Monday, September 20, 2004
Our contacts in MI5 have wired us scorching intelligence! Jason 'Buckingham Batman' Hatch is not who he claims to be. James 'The Cad' Hewitt did not realise he would be exposing himself by using the same initials and our MI5 associates are stunned at his lack of imagination. Supposedly in rehabilitation for his cocaine addiction, The Cad had been planning this stunt for some time. The Secret Police seized Batman comics, DVDs, costume patterns, a sewing machine and a Rolls Royce refashioned into a Batmobile from Hewitt's country estate. In an extraordinary turn of events, James no longer denies parentage of Prince Harry. Friends of Hewitt have told police that James had been babbling he would one day scale the walls of Buckingham Palace and "reclaim his son", although it seems proximity to Harry has been motivated by greed; the young Prince's dot painting empire is now worth a fortune. British agents have discovered frenzied text messages sent by Hewitt to Prince Harry's mobile and what initially appeared to be touching sentiment turned out to be lyrics lifted from Cat Stevens' 'Father and Son' and Pearl Jam's 'Alive'.