The Little Dano-Australian Prince

We are sick to death of the blubbering Prince Frederick of Denmark, his wife Mary (a former Australian) and their spawn. Mary has always really annoyed us, especially now that she speaks with that accent. She's been at us for months about having dinner with Bernard Fanning but we don't know Bernard Fanning so we can't help her. We thought they were friends seeing as he played at her wedding festivities in Copenhagen. And besides, even if we were friends with Bernard Fanning, we would not be introducing them because she is actually a creepy girl and he is so innocent (apparently).

We don't understand why Fred and Mary are going on about raising the child themselves, beginning with him sleeping one metre from their bed, when most parents we know would be going: "you live live in a bloody palace, you've got heaps o' cash and servants, get a nanny and give the kid his own room". Likewise we fail to comprehend the hysteria that has lead to widespread pyromania as Australians light bonfires all along our shores, apeing an ancient Danish ritual. Our drought stricken land could easily erupt in flames and burn. We find this careless and anachronistic, if millions were to lose their homes and lives in bushfires we think the couple should accept some responsibility.

At this point we think it relevant to mention that Fred used to go out with Morgan Fairchild.

Caution Bernard

As Bernard Fanning records his solo album, we feel the time has come to offer a gentle warning: Bernard, the path you are choosing is fraught with danger. Others before you have broken free from their groups to release material on their own and the results speak for themselves:

Brian McFadden - dumps his band, dumps his wife and dumps his album on us.
Katie Underwood - had moderate success after leaving Popstars' Bardot but was last seen working on reception at the Banish Laser Hair Removal Clinic on Commercial Rd, South Yarra.
Michael Hutchence - was recording his solo album when the stress of it all drove him to seek the ultimate relief.
Paul McCartney - John Lennon would NEVER have let him release Mull of Kintyre.
Mick Jagger - solo album was almost as chilling as his portrayal of our Ned Kelly.

Bernard, if you require any further examples, need counseling or if you just need someone to pick you up, don't hesitate to contact us as this isn't the first time we have worried for you. We didn't understand why you took your group to the Danish Royal Wedding Celebrations. We have truck with Princess Marketing of Denmark, she is a square. We didn't RSVP to the weddding invitation, we are using it to make filters for our special cigarettes.