Mushroom Chef Waits For Verdict. Day 5, Morwell Lock Up

 

Dank

Three pairs of socks.

Instant coffee and dry biscuits.

A slice of cheese.

A crumpled hard copy

Of the Herald Sun.

No longer front page.

Erin

Hears muffled laughter.

A glove through the bars.

Hands her an unripened

Orange.

Catching Up

Many, many shout outs to the thousands of fans that have been reaching out to us. A lot of folks have been asking about our friends, so here’s a bit of an update. 

 

Claire Voyant 

Murray, the bush poet BF, didn’t last long. He discovered Facebook at nearly 60 and fell deeply into its’ vice like grip. He spent months on Messenger talking to a really understanding woman in America, Camille. She’d agree with everything he said and listened to his boring stories about himself.   That was until he got a message from someone close to Camille that said he was being blocked because people like him were enabling the obese. 

For the last few years Claire has been living in Rishikesh, India. Her partner, Brett aka Branga has been in India since he burnt his passport in Pushkar back in 1978.  She leaves all the seer stuff at home; it’s not the reason she’s in India. 
 

Rishikesh is the Yoga Capital of the world, so you’ll see lots of westerners, their mats and the spooky nudity of their skintight gear.  Some western seekers spin out, unable to handle their intense responses to the environment, and the magic drinks.  Claire and Branga have become the people you call when this happens. They serve them marsala chai or ginger lemon tea and sit them in a darkened room to worship their favourite western musical Gods.  Branga’s German speakers are seriously loud. All Gods are tolerated, even if it is Michael Jackson, there’s no judgement.  When the seekers have calmed down, they suggest they go home. 

 

Branga has been a mechanic forever.  He works on the river rafting boats so popular with young Indian men who like to take a Holy dip whilst rafting.  Claire hangs out.  She gets up early every day and feeds dried grass to the sacred cows and goes to the Aarti fire ceremony every night at The Ashram. She loves sweeping her fingertips through the flames. 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, Grayam Voyant
 

A Message For Jamie Oliver

Treatie

 

Well Jamie heard it on the radio

and he saw it on the television

He was saviour of their dinners

time to fix reading for the kids

Words are easy, words can sweep

away real stories of this priceless land

But shit books can disappear

just like writing in the sand

Greedy Yeh Greedy Now

Greedy Yeh Greedy Now

Nhima djatpa nhe walang

gumurrtjararrk yawirriny Nhe gaya nhe matjini

Gaya nhe matjini Gaya gaya nhe gaya nhe

matjini walangwalang nhema djatpa nhe walang

nhe gumurrtjarrk nhe ya

Britney In Her Red Boots

           

Gary Indiana

Acrylic On Board

2023

Prize Turkey Of The Year 2023 - Only One Contender

Harry Windsor-Spencer

aka

Prince Harry The Duke of Sussex

H

His Dimness

Temper Boy

Sook

Bad Ad Brad Part 2

Yes, its true, we were invited to illustrate Brad Pitt's latest GQ shoot.  After the last time we didn't think this would happen, but they told us he thinks we make him look like a really nice person.  We can confirm that the rumours are true - at no stage did Brad say 'no', or 'maybe not'.

Jacket $4,250  Pants $2,700  

Shirt $1,895

Andrew Windsor's Teddys In Situ January 2022

 

Gary Indiana's Debut Painting

Self Portrait With Red Carnation

By Gary Indiana

Acrylic on Board

2022 

Horrifying Moments In Popular Culture Part 5

We can no longer be bothered with this truly 'horrifying' series.  It's impossible to keep up with these shocking moments.   Hair raising and truly disturbing, go directly to Instagram, @Madonna.

Horrifying Moments In The History Of Popular Culture Part 4

Madonna (61) with Boyfriend (25)

No Other Contenders - Just One Unequivocal Prize Turkey Of The Year 2019

Prince Andrew

Son of

The Queen of England

aka


Air Miles Andy
Duke of Pork
Randy Andy

Jerry Hall with her Husband

Scary Bedtime Stories About The Olden Days For Generation Y By The Children Of The Revolution.

1. Back then life was eerie.  When the wall mounted phone rang, whoever went to answer it had no idea who or what might be on the line.

2.  Getting up off the couch, or even worse the bean bag, to change the channel on the television was hell.

3.  Our parents were really hardcore.  They didn't think we were all gifted and they did not gasp with amazement at all the 'clever' things we said.  The self esteem issues and anxiety we still harbour from this today is indescribable.

4.  There were very few coffee shops in the olden days.  Hardly any.

5.  When we spoke disrespectfully to older people they would look at us with a face akin to a stunned emoji.  The terrifying thing was that the face was live, not screen.  Many of us are still suffering flashbacks.

6.  If you were a woman after 2nd wave feminism you were not allowed to ask for help from men regarding gender specific roles.  The blokes said, 'you want equal rights, change the tyres yourself'.  This was before Google and YouTube.  It required rigorous research in libraries, garages and in some cases having to perform sexual favours.  Harrowing stuff.

7.  When you rented a dwelling the convention was to clean it yourself.  There was no vacate clean 'industry' at that time.  If hippies had been previous tenants we cleaned for weeks. Our parents told us we were sooks if we complained.

8.  Elders weren't much interested in our 'feedback'.  They told us feelings were not opinions.  They said they would listen when we had some real experience.

9.  If we would have used catch phrases like 'first world problems', our University lecturers, some of them barefooted, would have marched us out of the room.

10.  We have heard about 'safe rooms' in Universities into which today's students can retreat if the material they study is going to hurt their feelings or make them cry.  To this we have absolutely NOTHING to say. *stunned emoji, blinking*.

Kids, it was spooky.

Be glad you weren't there.

Self-Check Tips for Christmas Lunch Part 2

How To Avoid Battles Over The Table

1.  If you have mediated a family Christmas table for years, and are sick of it, a good idea is to bow out. Read, text or play on a device. Generation Y have made it socially acceptable to gaze into devices in company.

2.  Some dulling of the senses may be required for protection.  Restricted quantities, with wine and hard liquor kept to a minimum.  A nibble of a sedative can be of assistance.  Stoners will know that Xmas Lunch ain’t no place for weed, paranoia can set in, even for experienced smokers.  Fast drugs and heroin should not be used as it will be obvious, everyone will know, and you will never hear the end of it. 

3.  Changing the topic when you see tensions rising is a good idea.  Most families have some commonality of interest, like Footy.  Bring up something like the latest indiscretion of a footballer.  This allows the women to take part too.  The other trick is to go for the latest public scandal.  This Christmas we have a whole bunch of hot topics, the latest ‘missing Mum’, Harvey Weinstein, Don Burke and the mutterings around Menzies Era thespian Geoffrey Rush.  Another method is to make a ‘modern joke’ that everyone will get, for example, vocalising relief that no one in the family is gluten free or paleo, as you reach for the stuffing.

Self-Check Tips for Christmas Lunch Part 1

The only acceptable reasons for openly hating family members' partners are as follows:

1.  Emotional and/or physical abuse, this includes manipulations. If you act, be aware, and have all facts straight.  This is 'strike back like a Cobra' stuff'.
   
2.  Steals money.

3.  Substance abuse (hard drugs, grog (especially hard liquor), prescription drugs, weed is okay).

4.  Criminality, especially white collar.

5.  Racism.

6.  Boring.

Conjuring A Future For Bachelorette Sophie Starring Gary Indiana As Apollo

I have to tell Sophie I'm here for the right reasons.

I love how she smells.

Trying out my magic wand.

She's mine.

Results for Belting Bingo

Our scorecard for Belting Bingo. As predicted, no surprises. 

Thank you to the fans who've emailed in expressing their gratitude for this tool. We're thrilled it got you through the documentary* 

*3.5 hour ad for a song where weirdos sing with the dead

Michael Hutchence: The Last Rockstar - Interactive

Tonight we share Belting Bingo, a game for fans tuning in to the Michael documentary.

Mark off the Hutchence tragedy tropes as they come. There is no prize.

Gary Indiana Contemplating The Image Of Gary Indiana

Melbourne 2017

Introducing.......................>

Hitching a Ride on the Caravan of Sadness

Recently we were commissioned as fashion illustrators by Brad Pitt to 'capture' his shoot for GQ . Unbeknownst to us he's been following us since 2004. He says the first time he saw our portrait of him, he cried. But he can only admit to that now.  "I went through two therapists to get to the right one," he says. Brad tells us this over and over and over again whilst manically sculpting something out of clay. We didn't mention the 2013 portrait was a critical piece, because we really wanted to go to the Everglades. What we didn't realise was that we were joining a Caravan of Sadness touring American National Parks, featuring Sad Dad Brad.

Brad Pitt pulls in to the GQ shoot

Ice Face

Pale Blue Onesie Issey Miyake Men $1750

Ice Face #2 

President Elect Donald Trump (In the style of Vincent Namatjira)

Advisory List For President Donald Trump

1.  Bring all US forces home - usher in a final end to post colonialism - leave others alone. 

2.  Edward Snowden come home - if it wasn't you it woulda been someone else. 

3.  Chelsea Manning - you are pardoned - you showed us the dark depths to which politicians and bureaucrats are prepared to sink. 

4.  Julian Assange - 2 Options

Option 1 

Tell those Swedes to leave him alone and fly in a Trump helicopter in full agreement from Ecuador and set him free. 

Option 2 

Do an exchange deal with Ecuador whereby Julian goes to America in exchange for Hilary taking his place in the Ecuadorean Embassy. 

Option 1 Probably more realistic. 

5.  Guantanamo Bay - close it - make new prison that is humane. 

6.  Gay Marriage - just do it. No explanation necessary. 

7.  Get in Air Force One (we don't care if your new furnishings are somewhat garish) and fly to North Korea and sit down and have a chat to Kim. We know that you understand he is only 33 and you will work very well with that. 

8.  Russia - same gig as with Kim. Putin would like to be you and that's the edge there. 

9.  China - same deal with Xi Jinping, you will be able to vibe very quickly the score with this cat cause that is your skill. Read about the style of how Mr Gough Whitman went there. You will relate to him. 

10.  Europe - forget it - sinking ship. 

11.  Middle East - probably won't need to do much if you pull the troops out. Let those guys work stuff out themselves. No more need for Isis - let Post Colonial France deal with that mob. 

12.  Mexican Wall - we know it already partially exists and you don't need to do anything there as people forget stuff real quick. 

13.  Social Issues - let American people break free from political correctness and dismantle institutional regulation on this level. Of course the really good things from that era will remain intact - it's gardening Don. 

14. Guns - big challenge - involves the creation of a new mind set for many Americans - big call. We shall see. 

15.  Bono, Bob Geldof, Sting - don't need em - they are fucked and you already know that. If they do arrive at the White House for a cup of tea we will play with them and laugh about it later. 

16.  Queen Elizabeth - get an audience. She's very wise and she can help you. She will laugh at your jokes. 

17.  Prince Charles - old hippy with some good ideas - might waffle on a bit but a good bloke. 

18.  Prince William - don't bother. 

19.  Women's Issues - one voice to listen too - Camille Paglia who supported you all the way. If she's interested give her a portfolio. 

20.  Dalai Lama & Nic Sarkozy - these guys love celebrities and will sniff around. Block their addresses. 

21.  Round up all the Imans and get a confab happening to start or intensify the dialogue about Muslims doing some of the shit themselves re disenfranchised young Muslim dudes with mental health issues and terrorism. 

22.  Australia - be very suspicious of the current Prime Minister. He has already shown that he does not respect your privacy by getting your telephone number through Greg Norman. He has no real power in this country so don't worry about him. If a man called Stan Grant takes the stage he will work very well with you as he is also an outsider.

What Happens When White People Get Lost

We have been flying in and out of Alice Springs in the Northern Territory (AU).  Locals call us FIFO's to tease us as we are not trades people.  Some fans from remote communities tracked us down and sent us 'an invitation to contribute'.  They are compiling an educational manual on why white people do what they do and are how they are.

As much as we knew that we were the right people for this job we had to ask why we were chosen.  It turns out stories from our category House of Windsor are regularly read and discussed on community radio stations, some of them as far away as the APY Lands.  We're big in the desert.

The mob we are working with have given us 6 months (might be longer) to come up with some stories that 'unpack' the ways of the white fella to help Aboriginal people understand them.  We spent a week out bush on community where we hung back, took notes, kinda just listened.  Conversations ran far into the night, but we never asked direct questions, as we know that to be disrespectful in Aboriginal culture.

It was pretty clear that many of the artists felt that there was something strange about the white women who come to work at the Arts Centres.  They reckon some of them 'jealous*' their art by choosing their colours and telling them what things to paint.  Some are a real downer to be around because they seem guilty all the time and often talk very negatively about their families.  This was really something we could get our teeth into.  On the way back to Alice we were so inspired we pulled the vehicle into the Tropic Of Capricorn and scribbled our first allegory.  We wrote in silence, the only sound to be heard was the wind through the mulgas, like waves on an inland sea.  Here it is:

What Happens When White People Get Lost

Modern white people, particularly those from very rich countries, treat their identity in the same way Aboriginal people relate to the land. They need to feel that they are one by themselves and sometimes because of this other people don't matter. When some white people get lost and go looking for their identity it can make them sick.  White people believe that being in strange places will help them to find themselves.  This is why some of the white people who come to the desert want to hang around Aboriginal people.



* Aboriginal English
 Jealous / Jealousing: abusive, controlling, stopping you doing things.

The Bachelor Australia 2016 (Loaf)

Horrifying Images In The History Of Popular Culture Part 3

Flirting With the Karma Bus

Horrifying Images In The History Of Popular Culture Part 2

Wanapa's Dhapi Dance

The Bachelor Australia 2015