Turkey Of The Year - Nominations - Cast Your Vote

For the first time in history we are opening up our blog for comments to collect votes for the inaugural Turkey Of The Year Award.

And the nominees are:

FRIED TURKEY(S): The Bali 9 for thinking that, in the climate of Schapelle Corby, they could get away with strapping heroin to their bodies and going through Indonesian Customs.

ROAST TURKEY: Donatella Versace

SLICED TURKEY: Mickey Rourke

NOT TURKEY (VEGETARIAN ALTERNATIVE): Gwyneth Paltow

TURKEY BASTER: Michael Jackson/Debbie Rowe (take your pick)

WILD TURKEY: James Hewitt for consenting to hypnosis for the purposes of reality TV.

BUSH TURKEY: George Bush

CHRISTMAS LUNCH: russell crowe

EIN TRUTHAHN: Prince Harry for bearing the swastika.

TURKEY BREAST: Vicky Beckham

TURKEY LOAF: Steve Vizard

COLD TURKEY: Joe Korp

FROZEN TURKEY: Nicole Kidman.......sooooooo creepy

TURKEY NUGGET: Charles Spencer Crowe

STUFFED TURKEY: Katie Holmes

TURKEY BY POPULAR DEMAND: Michelle Leslie

Vote now via comment or email.

Turkey Of The Year will be announced sometime in the New Year when we get back from Sir Elton's Wedding.

punkandblanket@yahoo.com.au

Cad's Denial (again)

We have been contacted by James Hewitt's people. They steadfastly deny that Major James Hewitt was ever in Argentina. It was an impersonator.

El Principe Rebelde

Hot on the heels of the Buckingham Batman Debacle, it seems The Cad's condition is worsening. During their investigations into the alleged abduction attempt of Prince Harry from Omar Nievas's Bar in the one-street town of Salvador Maria, Argentinian officials have followed a bizarre trail of evidence that has lead them to the InterContinental Hotel in Buenos Aires. In the week following the young Prince's sudden return to England on a commercial flight police searched the abandoned and unpaid hotel room of a person calling themselves Major James Hewitt.

POLICE INVENTORY OF JAMES HEWITT'S HOTEL ROOM:

PLASTIC BAG 1

1 x carton of Benson and Hedges full strength cigarettes (3 remaining)
23 x Omar Nievas's matchbooks
1 x 24 pack Trojan 'Rough Rider' condoms (unopened)
1 x black sock
1 x tester bottle Chanel L'Egoiste
6 x damaged British Royal family portraits (head of Prince Harrry missing)
1 x iPod Mini containing 2 x Mp3s (Father and Son-Cat Stevens and Alive-Peal Jam)
1 x song lyrics and chord progressions written on InterContinental writing paper with the title 'Third in Line to Your Heart'.
1 x Nickel brand Morning After Rescue Gel for the face (empty)
1 x Salon Lady Jane hairbrush
1 x floorplan of Omar Nievas's bar
2 x 2m lengths of rope
1 x balaclava
1 x room service order form (incomplete)


PLASTIC BAG 2

4 x small paper squares with white powder residue
1 x black underpants, Calvin Klein brand
1 x razor, Gillette brand (used)
1 x Polo Players Edition magazine
1 x News of the World newspaper
4 x Magnum size Verve Cliquot Champagne (empty)
1 x Yellow ruled writing pad with three loose pages (penciled writing): page 1- the name Harry Hewitt signed repeatedly in several different styles, page 2 - Hewitt & Son: Aboriginal Art Dealers written in large, block letters, page 3 - pornographic doodlings.
9 x mobile phone pre-paid recharge cards
1 x Losing My Virginity: Richard Branson, The Autobiography
1 x Caron Dache crayons

Mental Cad

The latest wire from MI5 concerning James Hewitt is astounding. Apparently Hewitt sent this sms to Prince Harry repeatedly on the day British Art Experts estimated Harry's dot paintings to be worth hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I was once like U R now + I know that its not easy.........2 B calm.......when U found somethings been going on.....but take U'R time.......think a lot.....Y.....think of everything we could have.........4 U will still B here 2moro..........but our dreamings may not..........

Frenzied and Deranged SMS

We have just obtained the first instalment from MI5 regarding the Batman Hewitt matter.

On July 4 2004 James Hewitt sent this sms to Prince Harry 23 times:

Son I say......have I got a little story 4 U.....what U thought was your Daddy was nothin but...........while you were sitting home alone the age of 13 your real Daddy was crying.............oh Harry I'm still alive...........oh Haz we will survive.........

Scoop!

Our contacts in MI5 have wired us scorching intelligence! Jason 'Buckingham Batman' Hatch is not who he claims to be. James 'The Cad' Hewitt did not realise he would be exposing himself by using the same initials and our MI5 associates are stunned at his lack of imagination. Supposedly in rehabilitation for his cocaine addiction, The Cad had been planning this stunt for some time. The Secret Police seized Batman comics, DVDs, costume patterns, a sewing machine and a Rolls Royce refashioned into a Batmobile from Hewitt's country estate. In an extraordinary turn of events, James no longer denies parentage of Prince Harry. Friends of Hewitt have told police that James had been babbling he would one day scale the walls of Buckingham Palace and "reclaim his son", although it seems proximity to Harry has been motivated by greed; the young Prince's dot painting empire is now worth a fortune. British agents have discovered frenzied text messages sent by Hewitt to Prince Harry's mobile and what initially appeared to be touching sentiment turned out to be lyrics lifted from Cat Stevens' 'Father and Son' and Pearl Jam's 'Alive'.