Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Liquid Karl



 

We are concerned for the well being of Karl Lagerfeld. Once renowned as a fashion genius it seems his obsession with being thin is spiralling out of control. Some of Karl's closest friends have been calling us at all hours (our European friends often forget they live in a different time zone); they are distressed and think he may be losing touch with reality. Not only is he fanning himself constantly with the mistaken belief that it burns more calories, he has not sat down for a week, citing the same energy-burning reasons. They feel Nicole Kidman - another one who is wasting away - is a bad influence and they're asking us if there is anything the Australian government can do to make her eat. On the Baz Lurhman set of the Chanel No. 5 commercial, Nic and Karl raised eyebrows by sucking on ice cubes and eating only sunflower seeds during the four-day shoot. His friends tell us that Liquid Karl (a cheap cologne available through the H&M chain in Europe) is a manifestation of Karl's body dysmorphia and his recent tantrum when the said chain store brought his clothes out in sizes 14-16 confirms their fears. Ever since he's been together with his (much) younger boyfriend, skinny-jean designer Hedi Slimane, his sole purpose in life has been to fit into Hedi's jeans. Now that he's achieved his goal, his mates say he's on a mission to make the world a thinner place. Recently his PA intercepted disturbing letters written by Lagerfeld to Sir Bob Geldof, where he suggested doing air drops of skinny jeans over Ethiopia and requested some field shots - male and poster size. This time last year we were very worried about Karl and even wrote a poem for him, but in the wake of these new 'Dream Race' revelations we are frightened. We suggest that anyone who knows Karl block him out of his or her life and we call for a boycott on all Chanel and Karl Lagerfeld brands, especially Liquid Karl.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Claire Summonsed by Harrod's Boss



Our dear friend and life guru, Claire Voyant, has attracted attention from a most unlikely source. Since our publication of Bonnie Prince Harry we have received a lovely letter, handwritten on very expensive paper from Mohamed al Fayed requesting an audience with Claire at his residence in Switzerland. As we have previously mentioned Claire does not normally do house-calls or readings 'by request', but we were so moved by Mr al Fayed's sorrow that we felt obliged to at least ask her. After giving us a minor scolding for ignoring her rules, Claire agreed to read the letter (it didn't take her long 'cos she's a speed reader). She moved over to the window and stared at nothing particular in the distance. We were so nervous waiting for a response, we weren't able to eat and our lamingtons remained untouched on the table. Without turning around, Claire finally spoke: "This man needs me. And I've always wanted to ski the deep mountain lakes of der Schweiz. Tell him I will see him, but only if you come with me as I've never been on an aircraft before. We only need our travel and accommodation costs covered. Kindly decline his offer of gold bullion." She then blessed the letter, handed it back to us and left the room. Relieved, we headed straight to Flight Centre, taking the lamingtons to snack on.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Cad's Denial (again)

We have been contacted by James Hewitt's people. They steadfastly deny that Major James Hewitt was ever in Argentina. It was an impersonator.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

El Principe Rebelde

Hot on the heels of the Buckingham Batman Debacle, it seems The Cad's condition is worsening. During their investigations into the alleged abduction attempt of Prince Harry from Omar Nievas's Bar in the one-street town of Salvador Maria, Argentinian officials have followed a bizarre trail of evidence that has lead them to the InterContinental Hotel in Buenos Aires. In the week following the young Prince's sudden return to England on a commercial flight police searched the abandoned and unpaid hotel room of a person calling themselves Major James Hewitt.

POLICE INVENTORY OF JAMES HEWITT'S HOTEL ROOM:

PLASTIC BAG 1

1 x carton of Benson and Hedges full strength cigarettes (3 remaining)
23 x Omar Nievas's matchbooks
1 x 24 pack Trojan 'Rough Rider' condoms (unopened)
1 x black sock
1 x tester bottle Chanel L'Egoiste
6 x damaged British Royal family portraits (head of Prince Harrry missing)
1 x iPod Mini containing 2 x Mp3s (Father and Son-Cat Stevens and Alive-Peal Jam)
1 x song lyrics and chord progressions written on InterContinental writing paper with the title 'Third in Line to Your Heart'.
1 x Nickel brand Morning After Rescue Gel for the face (empty)
1 x Salon Lady Jane hairbrush
1 x floorplan of Omar Nievas's bar
2 x 2m lengths of rope
1 x balaclava
1 x room service order form (incomplete)


PLASTIC BAG 2

4 x small paper squares with white powder residue
1 x black underpants, Calvin Klein brand
1 x razor, Gillette brand (used)
1 x Polo Players Edition magazine
1 x News of the World newspaper
4 x Magnum size Verve Cliquot Champagne (empty)
1 x Yellow ruled writing pad with three loose pages (penciled writing): page 1- the name Harry Hewitt signed repeatedly in several different styles, page 2 - Hewitt & Son: Aboriginal Art Dealers written in large, block letters, page 3 - pornographic doodlings.
9 x mobile phone pre-paid recharge cards
1 x Losing My Virginity: Richard Branson, The Autobiography
1 x Caron Dache crayons