Thursday, February 17, 2005

Back off, Crowe!

It seems our efforts yesterday were in vain, our pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Crowe, if you don't stop it with the phone calls, the emails, the text messages, the skywriting and your hired goons we will have no choice but to notify the authorities and institute a restraining order.

Russell, if you think we are going to listen to you, you are delusional. There are many reasons why you have ZERO credibility and since you insist on us telling you why, here is a list of your transgressions:

1. You bag Bob De Niro, Harrison Ford and George Clooney for using their celebrity to make an extra buck but you cut a deal with Hello! magazine to document your wedding preparations where you are sitting around with Giorgio Armani like some kind of suck. And what about your Eucalyptus (R.I.P) buddy Nic? She's whored herself to Chanel!

2. You went out with Meg Ryan.

3. Punching and hitting (or getting your bodyguards to do it for you) is not old Hollywood machismo, it's low impulse control. It is also assault.

4. On Enough Rope with Andrew Denton you went on about how Ridley Scott worked your script suggestions into Gladiatior. This is nothing to be proud of Russell; when there's gas tanks under chariots and blokes running around battle scenes in denim jeans, one could be forgiven for thinking Gladiator is not a cinematic masterpiece.

5. Your band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, is a disgrace...and as for that film clip for your insipid duet with Chrissie Hynde! We'd like you to know Russell that parading around in R.M. Williams does not an Australian bushman make.

6. There was a time when we had a soft spot for you, Russ. When you were breaking up with Meg you said you could not bear to be away from your dog longer than six months. But our friends have been to Nana Glen and there is NO DOG living there. We are against people using animals to further their careers.