We are concerned for the well being of Karl Lagerfeld. Once renowned as a fashion genius it seems his obsession with being thin is spiralling out of control. Some of Karl's closest friends have been calling us at all hours (our European friends often forget they live in a different time zone); they are distressed and think he may be losing touch with reality. Not only is he fanning himself constantly with the mistaken belief that it burns more calories, he has not sat down for a week, citing the same energy-burning reasons. They feel Nicole Kidman - another one who is wasting away - is a bad influence and they're asking us if there is anything the Australian government can do to make her eat. On the Baz Lurhman set of the Chanel No. 5 commercial, Nic and Karl raised eyebrows by sucking on ice cubes and eating only sunflower seeds during the four-day shoot. His friends tell us that Liquid Karl (a cheap cologne available through the H&M chain in Europe) is a manifestation of Karl's body dysmorphia and his recent tantrum when the said chain store brought his clothes out in sizes 14-16 confirms their fears. Ever since he's been together with his (much) younger boyfriend, skinny-jean designer Hedi Slimane, his sole purpose in life has been to fit into Hedi's jeans. Now that he's achieved his goal, his mates say he's on a mission to make the world a thinner place. Recently his PA intercepted disturbing letters written by Lagerfeld to Sir Bob Geldof, where he suggested doing air drops of skinny jeans over Ethiopia and requested some field shots - male and poster size. This time last year we were very worried about Karl and even wrote a poem for him, but in the wake of these new 'Dream Race' revelations we are frightened. We suggest that anyone who knows Karl block him out of his or her life and we call for a boycott on all Chanel and Karl Lagerfeld brands, especially Liquid Karl.
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