We need help. And the sooner the better. Friends have sneered at us at dinner parties when we question the Gretel and Saxon 'friendship'. Our peers have branded us as conservative and that really hurts. Our feminist wimmin friends point out that if Gretel were a man, no-one would question it. We didn't know feminism covered pouncing on children. Does that mean Michael Jackson is a feminist? On top of all of this, 'the visions' won't go away. In fact, they are more frequent and more terrifying than ever. We have begun counselling, and in group the other day Courtney suggested we confront our fears. She says we are projecting our ageist ideals onto Gretel and Saxon and that the reason why stems from events in our early childhood. It could even have been something in utero. It became clear that we had to see the couple with our own eyes. So we went to the Final Eviction After Party.
The party was really out of it. We tried to distance ourselves from Trevor and Breea because all of that 'I love you' stuff was getting out of hand. Gretel and Saxon were keeping pretty much to themselves. Everyone around us was saying how happy they look together. A former contestant remarked that Gretel's perfect for Saxon because 'no-one understands what it's like to be in the Big Brother House'. By the end of the night we were somewhat more at ease. Gretel and Saxon are just like any other couple who enjoy spas and eggs benedict for brunch. Saxon's mother was nowhere to be seen.
Feeling relieved and politically correct we wandered back to our room at Palazzo Versace. We ordered some coffee to drink with our pillow mints. We were watching cable and it was some time after midnight when the room went dark and cold. A strange glow emanated from the television and it was hissing. All of a sudden it came alive with the following digitally enhanced horror:
Gretel is in labour. She looks like she's been there for sometime. Her Russian hair extensions are ragged and a couple of them have fallen on the floor. Saxon is crying floods of tears which is making Gretel angry. Saxon pulls himself together and stands behind his lady. As Gretel makes her final push Saxon's mum crashes through the birth canal, landing feet first at the end of the bed.
Our counselling continues.