Harry Sweeps Up After Billy

We are right-royally shocked! Our sources on the ground in the UK have informed us that Prince Harry is NOT a pothead: it is William. It all began with William's first year of his Arts Degree at St Andrews, and his introduction to Kate 'The Bud' Middleton. It seems the secrecy surrounding their relationship has more to it than avoiding tabloid interest in their love-life. Kids on campus refer to him as His Royal HIGHness Prince Billy, and the word is, he and The Bud are always holding the best gear. Their secret was safe until term break and Billy's return to St James Palace.

Royal aides became increasingly exasperated by his lounge-lizardry. Billy would spend days and nights slumped in a Chesterfield, red-eyed and playing PlayStation. On the day of Trooping the Colour Harry received a call from the Page of the Back Stairs. Several aides had been trying to coax the Future King into getting dressed for the ceremony. Billy was refusing to get out of his tracky and was insisting he be left alone to finish his level on Medal of Honour. Ever the dutiful Spare, Harry went to speak with his brother. After a good half hour of trying to persuade Billy to come and watch Granny take her salute, Harry realised that his efforts were in vain. As he left the smoke-filled room, he turned to the heir and asked one more time if he would come with him. Slit-eyed with drooping jowls, Billy replied "Maybe later".

At the Trooping, some friendly paparazzi approached Harry and asked him of his brother's whereabouts. Looking distracted and reeking of Billy's cannabis, Harry muttered that William wasn't feeling well. The bemused press assumed that the Spare, with his paranoid eyes and suspect odour, was the smoker. And Harry Pothead was born.