Friday, September 29, 2006


Our apologies to the the late Peter Brock for implicating him in the kidnapping (and bondage) of Claire Voyant. Our suspicions were not entirely unfounded; what would you think if your spiritual guide was communicating online with notorious womaniser and King Of The Mountain, Peter Brock? Looking at their exchanges it was evident Peter was after Claire's famous crystals to charge his Energy Polarizer, they'd even moved to instant messenger and were arranging to meet. Further investigations revealed Peter had passed away before his meeting with Claire. Sorry Peter. Sorry Bev. Sorry Holden.

The truth of Claire's disappearance is closer to home, and way more sinister. Her grandson Grayam has been cosying up to Big Brother winner, Jamie Brooksby, in an effort to further his male modelling career. Grayam, being the suck that he is, was trying to impress Jamie with his knowledge of eastern mysticism, gloating that his Gran had special powers, especially where any kind of fame was involved or probable. Jamie, as we all know from Big Brother, fancies himself as a New Age kinda guy, started fishing for an audience. Grayam couldn't resist that voice and took him over to Claire's straight away.

We know we dont really need to mention this again but Claire really, really hates male models. She recognised Jamie immediately and blocked the threshold with her strong arms. Jamie, trying to appease Claire, offers her a signed headband he wore in 'the house'. It doesn't work. Claire unleashes a crippling tirade, from which she cannot stop; Jamie has deceived a whole nation of teenage girls, 1,576,321 of them to be exact. They all believed him when he mouthed 'I love you' to Katie, but she was just a porn (sic) in his cruel game. Australian television hit an all time low when he paraded his arousal. His poetry stinks real bad and he clearly has an unnatural relationship with his mother who gushed that she'd watched all of 'his' shows. Claire then calls him Lamie and tells him he will one day fall into the festering pond of his own image and die.

We don't know what happened in between, but our Claire was found gagged and bound with several familiar headbands in the boot of the car Jamie Brooksby won on Big Brother.

Jamie and Katie recognise punk and blanket in the crowd.