Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Advisory List For President Donald Trump

1.  Bring all US forces home - usher in a final end to post colonialism - leave others alone. 

2.  Edward Snowden come home - if it wasn't you it woulda been someone else. 

3.  Chelsea Manning - you are pardoned - you showed us the dark depths to which politicians and bureaucrats are prepared to sink. 

4.  Julian Assange - 2 Options

Option 1 

Tell those Swedes to leave him alone and fly in a Trump helicopter in full agreement from Ecuador and set him free. 

Option 2 

Do an exchange deal with Ecuador whereby Julian goes to America in exchange for Hilary taking his place in the Ecuadorean Embassy. 

Option 1 Probably more realistic. 

5.  Guantanamo Bay - close it - make new prison that is humane. 

6.  Gay Marriage - just do it. No explanation necessary. 

7.  Get in Air Force One (we don't care if your new furnishings are somewhat garish) and fly to North Korea and sit down and have a chat to Kim. We know that you understand he is only 33 and you will work very well with that. 

8.  Russia - same gig as with Kim. Putin would like to be you and that's the edge there. 

9.  China - same deal with Xi Jinping, you will be able to vibe very quickly the score with this cat cause that is your skill. Read about the style of how Mr Gough Whitman went there. You will relate to him. 

10.  Europe - forget it - sinking ship. 

11.  Middle East - probably won't need to do much if you pull the troops out. Let those guys work stuff out themselves. No more need for Isis - let Post Colonial France deal with that mob. 

12.  Mexican Wall - we know it already partially exists and you don't need to do anything there as people forget stuff real quick. 

13.  Social Issues - let American people break free from political correctness and dismantle institutional regulation on this level. Of course the really good things from that era will remain intact - it's gardening Don. 

14. Guns - big challenge - involves the creation of a new mind set for many Americans - big call. We shall see. 

15.  Bono, Bob Geldof, Sting - don't need em - they are fucked and you already know that. If they do arrive at the White House for a cup of tea we will play with them and laugh about it later. 

16.  Queen Elizabeth - get an audience. She's very wise and she can help you. She will laugh at your jokes. 

17.  Prince Charles - old hippy with some good ideas - might waffle on a bit but a good bloke. 

18.  Prince William - don't bother. 

19.  Women's Issues - one voice to listen too - Camille Paglia who supported you all the way. If she's interested give her a portfolio. 

20.  Dalai Lama & Nic Sarkozy - these guys love celebrities and will sniff around. Block their addresses. 

21.  Round up all the Imans and get a confab happening to start or intensify the dialogue about Muslims doing some of the shit themselves re disenfranchised young Muslim dudes with mental health issues and terrorism. 

22.  Australia - be very suspicious of the current Prime Minister. He has already shown that he does not respect your privacy by getting your telephone number through Greg Norman. He has no real power in this country so don't worry about him. If a man called Stan Grant takes the stage he will work very well with you as he is also an outsider.