Return To Timbertop: Part 1

Accompanying HRH The Prince of Wales on His return to Timbertop has been one of the highlights of the year so far. Our furious preparations certainly paid off and HRH was really impressed with His parasol harness, He's thinking of using it on His farm when He inspects His organic potatoes. Charles is looking fabulous at the moment; we reckon His engagement agrees with Him. Having a few hours alone with Charles was important to us as we were able to discuss matters of historical significance. Until now our friendship with Him was mainly based on chit-chatting about sustainable living, organic farming and Penhaligons fragrances, but this time we seized the oppurtunity to take things to another level as we fear for the fall of The House Of Windsor.

We cannot reveal the exact location of our bushwalk as Timbertop is shrouded in secrecy; the heirs of Very Important People are educated there, so we have had gag orders placed upon us. We can say however that we were somewhere near Mansfield in the Victorian Alps. To avoid unwanted media attention we devised a plan to whisk Charles away from His dinner at Geelong Grammar School. We waited out the back in our car with a doppelganger and sent Him a text to say we were ready. As Charles jumped into our boot the doppelganger was shepherded into a waiting limousine which sped off with a police escort. The decoy's mission was to board a jet to Sydney as per Charles' schedule. Everything went according to plan and when we had cleared the metropolitan area we stopped the car on the Maroondah Highway so that Charles could get out of the boot and sit in the car with us. He seemed quiet relieved to get away from His former school and said it had been "full of bores". He had some questions regarding some of the gathered alumni and we provided as much information as we could. The large man resembling a goanna? Kerry Packer, King of Australia. The old guy who looks like a bloodhound with the young wife? Rupert Murdoch, King of The World. The ex-footballer with the eye-job who was admiring Charles' manicure? Sam Newman who has a thing about nail technicians. There was also some bloke calling himself Outback Jack, but we couldn't help Charles with him.

We'd booked a tasteful and discreet B&B but Charles insisted we camp so that He could revise the skills He learnt at Timbertop all those years ago.