Turkey of the Year 2025: Nominations and Open Criteria

Turkeys here, turkeys there. Everywhere you turn, would-be winners of Turkey of the Year appear. 

We need to narrow it down. So this year, more specificity, more criteria, otherwise these things become meaningless.

This year we're introducing a theme for Turkey of the Year: A Vicarious Life - The Belinda Brewin Proximity Prize.

This theme honours Belinda Brewin who shot to fame living through Paula Yates, the greatest vicarious liver of all time. 

In the interests of complete fairness and transparency, these are the criteria:

1. Only really relevant because of 'other': 

2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable: one of Belinda's true callings 

3. Sublimation of personality 

4. High probability of releasing tell-all

Each nominee must meet the four essential criteria. The nominees are:

Damian Hurley 

A global laughing stock. 

1. Only really relevant because of 'other': 

 Mummy.

2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable

 Directing Mummy in sex scenes for his movie. Mixed reports about presence of intimacy coach. 

3. Sublimation of personality 

           

 4. High probability of releasing tell-all.

 Confirmed. Predicted to be when he's around 45. And it will be sad. 

Kevin Federline

Britney particularly mental at the moment - no wonder. Arsehole. 

1. Only really relevant because of 'other' 

Out of all the nominees, no-one deserves their reflected fame less than this person. He makes us so mad. Ears steaming.

2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable.

 Nothing more vulnerable than a former child star on the rebound. Dirty.         

3. Sublimation of personality

 N/A - no exisiting personality to sublimate.

4. High probability of releasing tell-all

 Wrote tell all book about Britney because he thinks his side of the story is interesting.  

Alison 'Ali" Rose Prior 

Only remaining friend of mushroom killer, Erin Patterson. 

1.  Only really relevant because of 'other': 

 Known for being the only friend of caged Erin Patterson.

 2.  Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable

 Only friend of Erin Patterson at her triple murder trial.

 3.  Sublimation of personality

The words 'only friend of Erin Patterson' will precede her name for the rest of her life.

 4. High probability of releasing tell-all

 Almost certain. Probable title "Erin and I: A true account from the only friend of Erin Patterson".

            Hard Quiz - Expert Subject - Erin Patterson.            

 

Bianca Censori 

Australia says sorry.

1. Only really relevant because of 'other':

 So desperate for fame, she chose the coat tails of a mental patient.

 2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable

 Covered by criteria 1.

 3.  Sublimation of personality

 Brand identity: 

 4. High probability of releasing tell-all

 Yes, and will pretend that it's Art. 

 

Catching Up With The Voyants Pt 2: Grayam Voyant

Grayam, now in his mid 30's, is living in Melbourne.  Modelling became the biggest shame job of his life. He won't talk about it, ever.  

Experiencing social shame gave him the tools to start up a business providing custom life sustaining services to metropolitan shut-ins.  He's called the enterprise DON'T MOVE, with the buy-line GOTCHA COVERED.  

Requests come from shut-ins themselves or their parents and partners when needing respite. Services include taking shut-ins for a walk in the dark of night so nobody can see them.  7/11's are often empty then so the clients may dash inside.  Grayam will have a quiet vape outside so as not to embarrass them. DON'T MOVE will accompany shut-ins to daytime appointments, providing a car with black curtains and blankets for when they alight. 

When loved ones refuse to cook for them, through exasperation or otherwise, shut-ins can call Grayam to deliver fresh meals.  They come in recyclable trays that can be clipped onto consoles.  He leaves them outside the door.

In cases of vitamin D deficiency Grayam will sit in the sun with a shut-in and make sure no one comes near them.  He has access to infrared but hasn't used it yet.

Disposal of piss jars and poo socks are not part of the service.

DON'T MOVE will be expanding into regional areas soon.

Mushroom Chef Waits For Verdict. Day 5, Morwell Lock Up

 

Dank

Three pairs of socks.

Instant coffee and dry biscuits.

A slice of cheese.

A crumpled hard copy

Of the Herald Sun.

No longer front page.

Erin

Hears muffled laughter.

A glove through the bars.

Hands her an unripened

Orange.

Catching Up With The Voyants Pt 1: Claire Voyant

Many, many shout outs to the thousands of fans that have been reaching out to us. A lot of folks have been asking about our friends, so here’s a bit of an update. 

 

Murray, Claire's bush poet BF, didn’t last long. He discovered Facebook at nearly 60 and fell deeply into its’ vice like grip. He spent months on Messenger talking to a really understanding woman in America, Camille. She’d agree with everything he said and listened to his boring stories about himself.   That was until he got a message from someone close to Camille that said he was being blocked because people like him were enabling the obese. 

For the last few years Claire has been living in Rishikesh, India. Her partner, Brett, has been in India since he burnt his passport in Pushkar back in 1978.  She leaves all the seer stuff at home; it’s not the reason she’s in India. 

 

Rishikesh is the Yoga Capital of the world, so you’ll see lots of westerners, their mats and the spooky nudity of their skintight gear.  Some western seekers spin out, unable to handle their intense responses to the environment, and the magic drinks.  Claire and Brett have become the people you call when this happens. They serve them marsala chai or ginger lemon tea and sit them in a darkened room to worship their favourite western musical Gods.  Brett’s German speakers are seriously loud. All Gods are tolerated, even if it is Michael Jackson, there’s no judgement.  When the seekers have calmed down, they suggest they go home. 

 

Brett's a mechanic.  He works on the river rafting boats so popular with young Indian men who like to take a Holy dip in the Ganga whilst rafting. Claire hangs out.  She gets up early every day and feeds dried grass to the sacred cows and goes to the Aarti fire ceremony every night at The Ashram. She loves sweeping her fingertips through the flames. 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, Grayam Voyant