Showing posts with label House of Windsor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label House of Windsor. Show all posts
Monday, November 03, 2025
Friday, November 17, 2023
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
Friday, December 27, 2019
No Other Contenders - Just One Unequivocal Prize Turkey Of The Year 2019
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Prince Andrew Son of The Queen of England aka Air Miles Andy Duke of Pork Randy Andy |
Monday, August 22, 2016
What Happens When White People Get Lost
We have been flying in and out of Alice Springs in the Northern Territory (AU). Locals call us FIFO's to tease us as we are not trades people. Some fans from remote communities tracked us down and sent us 'an invitation to contribute'. They are compiling an educational manual on why white people do what they do and are how they are.
As much as we knew that we were the right people for this job we had to ask why we were chosen. It turns out stories from our category House of Windsor are regularly read and discussed on community radio stations, some of them as far away as the APY Lands. We're big in the desert.
The mob we are working with have given us 6 months (might be longer) to come up with some stories that 'unpack' the ways of the white fella to help Aboriginal people understand them. We spent a week out bush on community where we hung back, took notes, kinda just listened. Conversations ran far into the night, but we never asked direct questions, as we know that to be disrespectful in Aboriginal culture.
It was pretty clear that many of the artists felt that there was something strange about the white women who come to work at the Arts Centres. They reckon some of them 'jealous*' their art by choosing their colours and telling them what things to paint. Some are a real downer to be around because they seem guilty all the time and often talk very negatively about their families. This was really something we could get our teeth into. On the way back to Alice we were so inspired we pulled the vehicle into the Tropic Of Capricorn and scribbled our first allegory. We wrote in silence, the only sound to be heard was the wind through the mulgas, like waves on an inland sea. Here it is:
What Happens When White People Get Lost
Modern white people, particularly those from very rich countries, treat their identity in the same way Aboriginal people relate to the land. They need to feel that they are one by themselves and sometimes because of this other people don't matter. When some white people get lost and go looking for their identity it can make them sick. White people believe that being in strange places will help them to find themselves. This is why some of the white people who come to the desert want to hang around Aboriginal people.
* Aboriginal English
Jealous / Jealousing: abusive, controlling, stopping you doing things.
As much as we knew that we were the right people for this job we had to ask why we were chosen. It turns out stories from our category House of Windsor are regularly read and discussed on community radio stations, some of them as far away as the APY Lands. We're big in the desert.
The mob we are working with have given us 6 months (might be longer) to come up with some stories that 'unpack' the ways of the white fella to help Aboriginal people understand them. We spent a week out bush on community where we hung back, took notes, kinda just listened. Conversations ran far into the night, but we never asked direct questions, as we know that to be disrespectful in Aboriginal culture.
It was pretty clear that many of the artists felt that there was something strange about the white women who come to work at the Arts Centres. They reckon some of them 'jealous*' their art by choosing their colours and telling them what things to paint. Some are a real downer to be around because they seem guilty all the time and often talk very negatively about their families. This was really something we could get our teeth into. On the way back to Alice we were so inspired we pulled the vehicle into the Tropic Of Capricorn and scribbled our first allegory. We wrote in silence, the only sound to be heard was the wind through the mulgas, like waves on an inland sea. Here it is:
What Happens When White People Get Lost
Modern white people, particularly those from very rich countries, treat their identity in the same way Aboriginal people relate to the land. They need to feel that they are one by themselves and sometimes because of this other people don't matter. When some white people get lost and go looking for their identity it can make them sick. White people believe that being in strange places will help them to find themselves. This is why some of the white people who come to the desert want to hang around Aboriginal people.
* Aboriginal English
Jealous / Jealousing: abusive, controlling, stopping you doing things.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Monday, April 16, 2007
A Common Excuse
Carole Middle England, mother of the ex-future Queen of England (now just a fashion buyer), is copping it from the British for being common; she got sprung chewing gum at one of Prince Billy's military parades, when she met the Queen, she said "Pleased to meet you," without adding "M'aam" and like Delta Goodrem's mum, Lea Goodrem, she's one of those monster stage door mothers, forcing her daughter to ride horses and dress like a modest monarch. That may be so, but we at punkandblanket.blogspot.com think that if anyone is common, it's the Booze Brothers, Billy and Hank, bumping and grinding low-born girls and drugs into the early hours in public nightclubs. Don't these boys have palaces to go to? Surely Tom Parker-Bowles has a mirror at his house!
Billy dropped Kate Middle England not because of any pressure from anyone (quit blaming us and your Granny, you out-of-it sooks), but because he just wants to sew his wild seeds into as many babes as possible before he goes bald, and, because he can. We believe the Booze Brothers will be the ultimate downfall of the House of Windsor because they are dumb and like their Mummy, loose cannons.
A drug crazed and pash-rashed Prince Billy mauls a subject with his congenital sausage fingers
We feel that these boys should really take a leaf out of our own post-colonial Royalty from the Principality of Hutt River, HRH Prince Leonard and Princess Shirley, who on the 19th of this month celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary.
Billy dropped Kate Middle England not because of any pressure from anyone (quit blaming us and your Granny, you out-of-it sooks), but because he just wants to sew his wild seeds into as many babes as possible before he goes bald, and, because he can. We believe the Booze Brothers will be the ultimate downfall of the House of Windsor because they are dumb and like their Mummy, loose cannons.
A drug crazed and pash-rashed Prince Billy mauls a subject with his congenital sausage fingers
We feel that these boys should really take a leaf out of our own post-colonial Royalty from the Principality of Hutt River, HRH Prince Leonard and Princess Shirley, who on the 19th of this month celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Turkey Of The Year - Nominations - Cast Your Vote
For the first time in history we are opening up our blog for comments to collect votes for the inaugural Turkey Of The Year Award.
And the nominees are:
FRIED TURKEY(S): The Bali 9 for thinking that, in the climate of Schapelle Corby, they could get away with strapping heroin to their bodies and going through Indonesian Customs.
ROAST TURKEY: Donatella Versace
SLICED TURKEY: Mickey Rourke
NOT TURKEY (VEGETARIAN ALTERNATIVE): Gwyneth Paltow
TURKEY BASTER: Michael Jackson/Debbie Rowe (take your pick)
WILD TURKEY: James Hewitt for consenting to hypnosis for the purposes of reality TV.
BUSH TURKEY: George Bush
CHRISTMAS LUNCH: russell crowe
EIN TRUTHAHN: Prince Harry for bearing the swastika.
TURKEY BREAST: Vicky Beckham
TURKEY LOAF: Steve Vizard
COLD TURKEY: Joe Korp
FROZEN TURKEY: Nicole Kidman.......sooooooo creepy
TURKEY NUGGET: Charles Spencer Crowe
STUFFED TURKEY: Katie Holmes
TURKEY BY POPULAR DEMAND: Michelle Leslie
Vote now via comment or email.
Turkey Of The Year will be announced sometime in the New Year when we get back from Sir Elton's Wedding.
punkandblanket@yahoo.com.au
And the nominees are:
FRIED TURKEY(S): The Bali 9 for thinking that, in the climate of Schapelle Corby, they could get away with strapping heroin to their bodies and going through Indonesian Customs.
ROAST TURKEY: Donatella Versace
SLICED TURKEY: Mickey Rourke
NOT TURKEY (VEGETARIAN ALTERNATIVE): Gwyneth Paltow
TURKEY BASTER: Michael Jackson/Debbie Rowe (take your pick)
WILD TURKEY: James Hewitt for consenting to hypnosis for the purposes of reality TV.
BUSH TURKEY: George Bush
CHRISTMAS LUNCH: russell crowe
EIN TRUTHAHN: Prince Harry for bearing the swastika.
TURKEY BREAST: Vicky Beckham
TURKEY LOAF: Steve Vizard
COLD TURKEY: Joe Korp
FROZEN TURKEY: Nicole Kidman.......sooooooo creepy
TURKEY NUGGET: Charles Spencer Crowe
STUFFED TURKEY: Katie Holmes
TURKEY BY POPULAR DEMAND: Michelle Leslie
Vote now via comment or email.
Turkey Of The Year will be announced sometime in the New Year when we get back from Sir Elton's Wedding.
punkandblanket@yahoo.com.au
Friday, May 13, 2005
New Zealand's Megalomaniac Knows NO Boundaries
Will New Zealand's Russell Crowe ever stop?
His delusions of grandeur are triggering anxiety within us. If he is not medicated soon, we may have to resort to pharmaceuticals or voluntary admission to a psychiatric facility ourselves. Within the last two weeks we have had to brace ourselves before reading the morning's broadsheets, something we used to find relaxing. It appears nothing is sacred to this seemingly ubiquitous self-styled sage. We don't know if it's the birth of the plump Charlie Spencer Crowe or if Russell, following in the footsteps of Kung Fu's David Carradine, has become the Master and Commander, but NZ's Russ cannot stop giving advice. Whether it be the Prime Minister of Australia, the 3rd in line to the British Throne or parents around the globe, the Crowings are coming through thick and fast. Recent transgressions include:
DEMANDING the Australian government disregard the sovereignty of the nation of Indonesia and intervene in the Schapelle Corby matter.
BLABBING about his friendship with Prince Henry (Harry) to promote his solo album.
BANGING on and on about fatherhood and how great it is to be the Dad of the large-ish Charlie.
We used to admire the Kiwi's acting skills - he made a great Neo-Nazi - but now we are unable to separate the actor and the celebrity. Like anyone else we can suspend our disbelief, but the last Russell Crowe movie we saw found us contemplating which scenes Russell had rewritten.
Charles Spencer Crowe at 3 months
His delusions of grandeur are triggering anxiety within us. If he is not medicated soon, we may have to resort to pharmaceuticals or voluntary admission to a psychiatric facility ourselves. Within the last two weeks we have had to brace ourselves before reading the morning's broadsheets, something we used to find relaxing. It appears nothing is sacred to this seemingly ubiquitous self-styled sage. We don't know if it's the birth of the plump Charlie Spencer Crowe or if Russell, following in the footsteps of Kung Fu's David Carradine, has become the Master and Commander, but NZ's Russ cannot stop giving advice. Whether it be the Prime Minister of Australia, the 3rd in line to the British Throne or parents around the globe, the Crowings are coming through thick and fast. Recent transgressions include:
DEMANDING the Australian government disregard the sovereignty of the nation of Indonesia and intervene in the Schapelle Corby matter.
BLABBING about his friendship with Prince Henry (Harry) to promote his solo album.
BANGING on and on about fatherhood and how great it is to be the Dad of the large-ish Charlie.
We used to admire the Kiwi's acting skills - he made a great Neo-Nazi - but now we are unable to separate the actor and the celebrity. Like anyone else we can suspend our disbelief, but the last Russell Crowe movie we saw found us contemplating which scenes Russell had rewritten.
Charles Spencer Crowe at 3 months
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Return To Timbertop: Part 2
By the time the sun rose Charles had already gathered bush tucker, started a fire and had a pot of billy tea going. Ever since Timbertop Charles has been an early riser which is not really our style. We knew we could luxuriate in the tent cos Charles is one of those aristocrats who love to 'play servant'. After breakfast we set off for our bushwalk. It was a beautiful day, the dappled light through the eucalypti made us proud to be Australian.
We didn't waste anytime getting to the crux of things because a chopper was coming to collect HRH in three hours. He had to do a meet and greet in Sydney at lunchtime (the doppelganger can't do official duties because he has a high voice like David Beckham). After assisting Charles with the fastening of His parasol harness - His large sausage-like fingers fumbling with the buckles - we asked Him about the appointment of The Knights of the British Commonwealth. Charles chuckled and rolled His eyes, "Tony just tells Mother who's worthy in his opinion. If you ask me it's like Top of the Pops these days," He said. We agreed with Him and expressed our distrust of one Sir Mick Jagger and one Sir Paul McCartney. Sure, they were both part of some important movements in music history, but we have issues with both of them. Like once, we nearly came to blows with Sir Mick after climbing a volcano in Bali. It was at the time of the French nuclear tests in the Pacific. Mick and some of his sychophants were banging on about Evian mineral water. We could not take the boredom any longer as we had been led to believe that Sir Mick was an intellectual, so in our best Australian accents we damned the French, their bombs and their stupid chalky tasting mineral water. Sir Mick's reaction was very extreme; his face went all red and the veins in his neck were protruding as he shouted at us "You Australians have no right to complain! You knew this was part of Chirac's platform and you did NOTHING about it until now!" The sychophants were aghast and clearly unsure as to what to do next. We were also under pressure to come up with something smart as a retort. We shut Mick up by informing him of the simple truth that what the French were doing in the Pacific was out of synch with modern thought. Charles nodded sympathetically. "He just missed the point, didn't he?" He said as He handed us a banksia, which was lovely but we couldn't stop staring at those sausage fingers consuming the flower.
Sometimes He walked on ahead of us because He is rarely alone with nature. We felt privileged to be party to His meditation. We sat quietly whilst Charles had a snuggle with some Messmate Stringybarks (eucalyptus obliqua). With bits of bark and tree falling all over the place, due to the parasol bashing into the trunk everytime He nuzzled in, Charles recited them a haiku about the origins of their name (our black brothers say they 'make a bloody mess mate'). He also took lots of photographs so that He could paint the landscape during the English winter in the Balmoral studio He shares with Harry. It may have been the heat or some kind of allergic reaction to the Messmates but we could not help noticing that the royal sausages were getting quite taut. He Himself seemed uncomfortable with their size, and tried to keep His hands in His pockets. We tried hard not to stare and resisted the urge to prick them, like any self respecting Australian would. His vulnerablilty apparent, we felt it was a good time to ask THE question as to why His Mum wasn't going to the townhall part of the wedding. He went all quiet and for a minute we thought we'd bitten off more than we could chew but He turned to us, and with a look of relief said "punk, blanket, Mother is surrounded by ancient twits who give her bad advice". After that we observed a distinct deflation of his ballooned digits.
We didn't waste anytime getting to the crux of things because a chopper was coming to collect HRH in three hours. He had to do a meet and greet in Sydney at lunchtime (the doppelganger can't do official duties because he has a high voice like David Beckham). After assisting Charles with the fastening of His parasol harness - His large sausage-like fingers fumbling with the buckles - we asked Him about the appointment of The Knights of the British Commonwealth. Charles chuckled and rolled His eyes, "Tony just tells Mother who's worthy in his opinion. If you ask me it's like Top of the Pops these days," He said. We agreed with Him and expressed our distrust of one Sir Mick Jagger and one Sir Paul McCartney. Sure, they were both part of some important movements in music history, but we have issues with both of them. Like once, we nearly came to blows with Sir Mick after climbing a volcano in Bali. It was at the time of the French nuclear tests in the Pacific. Mick and some of his sychophants were banging on about Evian mineral water. We could not take the boredom any longer as we had been led to believe that Sir Mick was an intellectual, so in our best Australian accents we damned the French, their bombs and their stupid chalky tasting mineral water. Sir Mick's reaction was very extreme; his face went all red and the veins in his neck were protruding as he shouted at us "You Australians have no right to complain! You knew this was part of Chirac's platform and you did NOTHING about it until now!" The sychophants were aghast and clearly unsure as to what to do next. We were also under pressure to come up with something smart as a retort. We shut Mick up by informing him of the simple truth that what the French were doing in the Pacific was out of synch with modern thought. Charles nodded sympathetically. "He just missed the point, didn't he?" He said as He handed us a banksia, which was lovely but we couldn't stop staring at those sausage fingers consuming the flower.
Sometimes He walked on ahead of us because He is rarely alone with nature. We felt privileged to be party to His meditation. We sat quietly whilst Charles had a snuggle with some Messmate Stringybarks (eucalyptus obliqua). With bits of bark and tree falling all over the place, due to the parasol bashing into the trunk everytime He nuzzled in, Charles recited them a haiku about the origins of their name (our black brothers say they 'make a bloody mess mate'). He also took lots of photographs so that He could paint the landscape during the English winter in the Balmoral studio He shares with Harry. It may have been the heat or some kind of allergic reaction to the Messmates but we could not help noticing that the royal sausages were getting quite taut. He Himself seemed uncomfortable with their size, and tried to keep His hands in His pockets. We tried hard not to stare and resisted the urge to prick them, like any self respecting Australian would. His vulnerablilty apparent, we felt it was a good time to ask THE question as to why His Mum wasn't going to the townhall part of the wedding. He went all quiet and for a minute we thought we'd bitten off more than we could chew but He turned to us, and with a look of relief said "punk, blanket, Mother is surrounded by ancient twits who give her bad advice". After that we observed a distinct deflation of his ballooned digits.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Return To Timbertop: Part 1
Accompanying HRH The Prince of Wales on His return to Timbertop has been one of the highlights of the year so far. Our furious preparations certainly paid off and HRH was really impressed with His parasol harness, He's thinking of using it on His farm when He inspects His organic potatoes. Charles is looking fabulous at the moment; we reckon His engagement agrees with Him. Having a few hours alone with Charles was important to us as we were able to discuss matters of historical significance. Until now our friendship with Him was mainly based on chit-chatting about sustainable living, organic farming and Penhaligons fragrances, but this time we seized the oppurtunity to take things to another level as we fear for the fall of The House Of Windsor.
We cannot reveal the exact location of our bushwalk as Timbertop is shrouded in secrecy; the heirs of Very Important People are educated there, so we have had gag orders placed upon us. We can say however that we were somewhere near Mansfield in the Victorian Alps. To avoid unwanted media attention we devised a plan to whisk Charles away from His dinner at Geelong Grammar School. We waited out the back in our car with a doppelganger and sent Him a text to say we were ready. As Charles jumped into our boot the doppelganger was shepherded into a waiting limousine which sped off with a police escort. The decoy's mission was to board a jet to Sydney as per Charles' schedule. Everything went according to plan and when we had cleared the metropolitan area we stopped the car on the Maroondah Highway so that Charles could get out of the boot and sit in the car with us. He seemed quiet relieved to get away from His former school and said it had been "full of bores". He had some questions regarding some of the gathered alumni and we provided as much information as we could. The large man resembling a goanna? Kerry Packer, King of Australia. The old guy who looks like a bloodhound with the young wife? Rupert Murdoch, King of The World. The ex-footballer with the eye-job who was admiring Charles' manicure? Sam Newman who has a thing about nail technicians. There was also some bloke calling himself Outback Jack, but we couldn't help Charles with him.
We'd booked a tasteful and discreet B&B but Charles insisted we camp so that He could revise the skills He learnt at Timbertop all those years ago.
We cannot reveal the exact location of our bushwalk as Timbertop is shrouded in secrecy; the heirs of Very Important People are educated there, so we have had gag orders placed upon us. We can say however that we were somewhere near Mansfield in the Victorian Alps. To avoid unwanted media attention we devised a plan to whisk Charles away from His dinner at Geelong Grammar School. We waited out the back in our car with a doppelganger and sent Him a text to say we were ready. As Charles jumped into our boot the doppelganger was shepherded into a waiting limousine which sped off with a police escort. The decoy's mission was to board a jet to Sydney as per Charles' schedule. Everything went according to plan and when we had cleared the metropolitan area we stopped the car on the Maroondah Highway so that Charles could get out of the boot and sit in the car with us. He seemed quiet relieved to get away from His former school and said it had been "full of bores". He had some questions regarding some of the gathered alumni and we provided as much information as we could. The large man resembling a goanna? Kerry Packer, King of Australia. The old guy who looks like a bloodhound with the young wife? Rupert Murdoch, King of The World. The ex-footballer with the eye-job who was admiring Charles' manicure? Sam Newman who has a thing about nail technicians. There was also some bloke calling himself Outback Jack, but we couldn't help Charles with him.
We'd booked a tasteful and discreet B&B but Charles insisted we camp so that He could revise the skills He learnt at Timbertop all those years ago.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Here Comes The Prince!
With only four days to go till HRH Prince Charles arrives in Australia we are beside ourselves with preparations, so this will be a short post. There's just so much to do! We need to get bushwalking footwear for HRH, flynets, an Akubra (for Charles, not us), zinc, canteens and Aerogard (Charles LOVES the smell). The Prince's request for a native to carry His parasol is causing us the most grief as we feel it has colonial overtones. To satisty the Prince's shade-needs we're having a parasol harness custom made for Him; political correctness aside, we'd like some private time with our friend. To make matters worse, our clairvoyant, Claire Voyant, has blabbed to her new Kiwi friend, Pip, that we know Prince Charles and she keeps coming over to our place with offerings for HRH. So far she has brought 23 crates of New Zealand wine from her friends winery in the Marlborough region, boiled wool garments from Dunedin and ghastly, uninspired paua shell jewellery "for Camilla". We're getting vibes that Pip wants to come with us on our bushwalk to Timbertop, but there's no way she is coming. Go back to New Zealand, Phillippa, and TAKE RUSSELL CROWE WITH YOU!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Royal Qiz Competition
Win the perfume created especially for Princess Grace by emailing us (punkandblanket@yahoo.com.au) your Royal Qiz answers!
Entries close midnight, March 1st 2005, Australian Eastern Summer Time.
Answers will be posted shortly after closing date.
1. When Prince Charles came to Australia as a young man he went to a very special school camp, what is it's name?
2. Lady Di once strapped fossils to her legs as a form of natural therapy, true or false?
3. What killed the Queen's favorite corgi?
4. What was the theme of the party where Prince Harry wore a Nazi costume?
5. What is the purple corridor?
6. Which Royal has designed and constructed his own egalitarian and energy efficient village?
7. What is the name of the Zimbabwean lass currently dating Prince Harry?
8. Before her untimely death Lady Di was in talks with Kevin Costner regarding her starring in The Bodyguard 2, true or false?
9. What is the name of the guy photographed sucking Fergie's toes? Bonus point for his job.
10. Which Royal couple's pet names for each other are Gladys and Fred?
Answers
1. Geelong Grammar School's country outpost, Timbertop, where the children of the rich take initiation rites and "rough it".
2. True
3. Princess Anne's bull terrier
4. Native and Colonial
5. The Queen of England's private air space.
6. HRH Prince Charles
7. Chelsea Davey, now former girlfriend, due to alleged intervention by future Princess Consort, Camilla Parker-Bowles, who is said to have likened Chelsea to the unpredictable late Princess Diana.
8. True
9. John Bryant, Texan financial advisor.
10. Prince Charles and Camilla.
Entries close midnight, March 1st 2005, Australian Eastern Summer Time.
Answers will be posted shortly after closing date.
1. When Prince Charles came to Australia as a young man he went to a very special school camp, what is it's name?
2. Lady Di once strapped fossils to her legs as a form of natural therapy, true or false?
3. What killed the Queen's favorite corgi?
4. What was the theme of the party where Prince Harry wore a Nazi costume?
5. What is the purple corridor?
6. Which Royal has designed and constructed his own egalitarian and energy efficient village?
7. What is the name of the Zimbabwean lass currently dating Prince Harry?
8. Before her untimely death Lady Di was in talks with Kevin Costner regarding her starring in The Bodyguard 2, true or false?
9. What is the name of the guy photographed sucking Fergie's toes? Bonus point for his job.
10. Which Royal couple's pet names for each other are Gladys and Fred?
Answers
1. Geelong Grammar School's country outpost, Timbertop, where the children of the rich take initiation rites and "rough it".
2. True
3. Princess Anne's bull terrier
4. Native and Colonial
5. The Queen of England's private air space.
6. HRH Prince Charles
7. Chelsea Davey, now former girlfriend, due to alleged intervention by future Princess Consort, Camilla Parker-Bowles, who is said to have likened Chelsea to the unpredictable late Princess Diana.
8. True
9. John Bryant, Texan financial advisor.
10. Prince Charles and Camilla.
Friday, February 11, 2005
A Wedding at Last!
This morning's news that our Prince of Wales has popped the question to his lady has filled us with untold joy. With infidelity testing Brand Beckham and Mr and Mrs Pitt calling it a day, a love spanning four decades will finally be recognised by the church, the monarchy and the subjects of the British Commonwealth. We have heard rumblings of discontent amongst Britons still struggling to accept that Diana will never be Queen, however we have always been of the opinion that the Prince was just as much a victim of their arranged marriage. We blame the late Lord Mountbatten for getting in Charles' ear and imposing his antiquated values upon him. He told the young Charles, who was then infatuated with Camilla, that a "bedded-can't-be-wedded". We are still witnessing the carnage from that misguided advice today: look at Prince Harry, clearly a troubled young man.
In these crazy times of instability - domestically and globally - it is so inspiring to know that love can still conquer all. Congratulations to our future King, HRH The Prince of Wales. We look forward to seeing His Royal Highness on his upcoming Australasian tour.
In these crazy times of instability - domestically and globally - it is so inspiring to know that love can still conquer all. Congratulations to our future King, HRH The Prince of Wales. We look forward to seeing His Royal Highness on his upcoming Australasian tour.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Fresh Prince with Red Hair
Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down.
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the Prince with Red Hair.
In a palace born and raised
In bubble-wrap is where I spent most of my daze.
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool
Shooting wild animals cos we’re born to rule.
Then my parents, who were up to no good
Started making trouble in the neighbourhood.
They used to fight and my Mum got scared
Told everyone she used to love a man with Red Hair.
I begged and pleaded with them every day
But they got a divorce and Mummy went away,
On a yacht with an Arab and dragged us along
Threw us a disco while he and Mum got it on.
One month later, yo she’s dead!
Wrote my card to Mummy then went out of my head.
Went to talk to Daddy but Daddy wasn’t there
Too busy being a tampon, no time for the Spare.
I turned to the bottle, I turned to the bong
Cheated my exams (which apparently is wrong).
Started painting dots like the natives Down Under
Only cos it looked so easy - didn’t wanna steal their thunder.
Wore a swastika, made front page
Daddy was incandescent with rage.
Third in line, I’m only a Spare
Got no purpose, just the Prince with Red Hair.
My life got flipped, turned upside down.
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the Prince with Red Hair.
In a palace born and raised
In bubble-wrap is where I spent most of my daze.
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool
Shooting wild animals cos we’re born to rule.
Then my parents, who were up to no good
Started making trouble in the neighbourhood.
They used to fight and my Mum got scared
Told everyone she used to love a man with Red Hair.
I begged and pleaded with them every day
But they got a divorce and Mummy went away,
On a yacht with an Arab and dragged us along
Threw us a disco while he and Mum got it on.
One month later, yo she’s dead!
Wrote my card to Mummy then went out of my head.
Went to talk to Daddy but Daddy wasn’t there
Too busy being a tampon, no time for the Spare.
I turned to the bottle, I turned to the bong
Cheated my exams (which apparently is wrong).
Started painting dots like the natives Down Under
Only cos it looked so easy - didn’t wanna steal their thunder.
Wore a swastika, made front page
Daddy was incandescent with rage.
Third in line, I’m only a Spare
Got no purpose, just the Prince with Red Hair.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Claire Summonsed by Harrod's Boss
Our dear friend and life guru, Claire Voyant, has attracted attention from a most unlikely source. Since our publication of Bonnie Prince Harry we have received a lovely letter, handwritten on very expensive paper from Mohamed al Fayed requesting an audience with Claire at his residence in Switzerland. As we have previously mentioned Claire does not normally do house-calls or readings 'by request', but we were so moved by Mr al Fayed's sorrow that we felt obliged to at least ask her. After giving us a minor scolding for ignoring her rules, Claire agreed to read the letter (it didn't take her long 'cos she's a speed reader). She moved over to the window and stared at nothing particular in the distance. We were so nervous waiting for a response, we weren't able to eat and our lamingtons remained untouched on the table. Without turning around, Claire finally spoke: "This man needs me. And I've always wanted to ski the deep mountain lakes of der Schweiz. Tell him I will see him, but only if you come with me as I've never been on an aircraft before. We only need our travel and accommodation costs covered. Kindly decline his offer of gold bullion." She then blessed the letter, handed it back to us and left the room. Relieved, we headed straight to Flight Centre, taking the lamingtons to snack on.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Cad's Denial (again)
We have been contacted by James Hewitt's people. They steadfastly deny that Major James Hewitt was ever in Argentina. It was an impersonator.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
El Principe Rebelde
Hot on the heels of the Buckingham Batman Debacle, it seems The Cad's condition is worsening. During their investigations into the alleged abduction attempt of Prince Harry from Omar Nievas's Bar in the one-street town of Salvador Maria, Argentinian officials have followed a bizarre trail of evidence that has lead them to the InterContinental Hotel in Buenos Aires. In the week following the young Prince's sudden return to England on a commercial flight police searched the abandoned and unpaid hotel room of a person calling themselves Major James Hewitt.
POLICE INVENTORY OF JAMES HEWITT'S HOTEL ROOM:
PLASTIC BAG 1
1 x carton of Benson and Hedges full strength cigarettes (3 remaining)
23 x Omar Nievas's matchbooks
1 x 24 pack Trojan 'Rough Rider' condoms (unopened)
1 x black sock
1 x tester bottle Chanel L'Egoiste
6 x damaged British Royal family portraits (head of Prince Harrry missing)
1 x iPod Mini containing 2 x Mp3s (Father and Son-Cat Stevens and Alive-Peal Jam)
1 x song lyrics and chord progressions written on InterContinental writing paper with the title 'Third in Line to Your Heart'.
1 x Nickel brand Morning After Rescue Gel for the face (empty)
1 x Salon Lady Jane hairbrush
1 x floorplan of Omar Nievas's bar
2 x 2m lengths of rope
1 x balaclava
1 x room service order form (incomplete)
PLASTIC BAG 2
4 x small paper squares with white powder residue
1 x black underpants, Calvin Klein brand
1 x razor, Gillette brand (used)
1 x Polo Players Edition magazine
1 x News of the World newspaper
4 x Magnum size Verve Cliquot Champagne (empty)
1 x Yellow ruled writing pad with three loose pages (penciled writing): page 1- the name Harry Hewitt signed repeatedly in several different styles, page 2 - Hewitt & Son: Aboriginal Art Dealers written in large, block letters, page 3 - pornographic doodlings.
9 x mobile phone pre-paid recharge cards
1 x Losing My Virginity: Richard Branson, The Autobiography
1 x Caron Dache crayons
POLICE INVENTORY OF JAMES HEWITT'S HOTEL ROOM:
PLASTIC BAG 1
1 x carton of Benson and Hedges full strength cigarettes (3 remaining)
23 x Omar Nievas's matchbooks
1 x 24 pack Trojan 'Rough Rider' condoms (unopened)
1 x black sock
1 x tester bottle Chanel L'Egoiste
6 x damaged British Royal family portraits (head of Prince Harrry missing)
1 x iPod Mini containing 2 x Mp3s (Father and Son-Cat Stevens and Alive-Peal Jam)
1 x song lyrics and chord progressions written on InterContinental writing paper with the title 'Third in Line to Your Heart'.
1 x Nickel brand Morning After Rescue Gel for the face (empty)
1 x Salon Lady Jane hairbrush
1 x floorplan of Omar Nievas's bar
2 x 2m lengths of rope
1 x balaclava
1 x room service order form (incomplete)
PLASTIC BAG 2
4 x small paper squares with white powder residue
1 x black underpants, Calvin Klein brand
1 x razor, Gillette brand (used)
1 x Polo Players Edition magazine
1 x News of the World newspaper
4 x Magnum size Verve Cliquot Champagne (empty)
1 x Yellow ruled writing pad with three loose pages (penciled writing): page 1- the name Harry Hewitt signed repeatedly in several different styles, page 2 - Hewitt & Son: Aboriginal Art Dealers written in large, block letters, page 3 - pornographic doodlings.
9 x mobile phone pre-paid recharge cards
1 x Losing My Virginity: Richard Branson, The Autobiography
1 x Caron Dache crayons
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
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