Catching Up With The Voyants Pt 2: Grayam Voyant

Grayam, now in his mid 30's, is living in Melbourne.  Modelling became the biggest shame job of his life. He won't talk about it, ever.  

Experiencing social shame gave him the tools to start up a business providing custom life sustaining services to metropolitan shut-ins.  He's called the enterprise DON'T MOVE, with the buy-line GOTCHA COVERED.  

Requests come from shut-ins themselves or their parents and partners when needing respite. Services include taking shut-ins for a walk in the dark of night so nobody can see them.  7/11's are often empty then so the clients may dash inside.  Grayam will have a quiet vape outside so as not to embarrass them. DON'T MOVE will accompany shut-ins to daytime appointments, providing a car with black curtains and blankets for when they alight. 

When loved ones refuse to cook for them, through exasperation or otherwise, shut-ins can call Grayam to deliver fresh meals.  They come in recyclable trays that can be clipped onto consoles.  He leaves them outside the door.

In cases of vitamin D deficiency Grayam will sit in the sun with a shut-in and make sure no one comes near them.  He has access to infrared but hasn't used it yet.

Disposal of piss jars and poo socks are not part of the service.

DON'T MOVE will be expanding into regional areas soon.

Catching Up With The Voyants Pt 1: Claire Voyant

Many, many shout outs to the thousands of fans that have been reaching out to us. A lot of folks have been asking about our friends, so here’s a bit of an update. 

 

Murray, Claire's bush poet BF, didn’t last long. He discovered Facebook at nearly 60 and fell deeply into its’ vice like grip. He spent months on Messenger talking to a really understanding woman in America, Camille. She’d agree with everything he said and listened to his boring stories about himself.   That was until he got a message from someone close to Camille that said he was being blocked because people like him were enabling the obese. 

For the last few years Claire has been living in Rishikesh, India. Her partner, Brett, has been in India since he burnt his passport in Pushkar back in 1978.  She leaves all the seer stuff at home; it’s not the reason she’s in India. 

 

Rishikesh is the Yoga Capital of the world, so you’ll see lots of westerners, their mats and the spooky nudity of their skintight gear.  Some western seekers spin out, unable to handle their intense responses to the environment, and the magic drinks.  Claire and Brett have become the people you call when this happens. They serve them marsala chai or ginger lemon tea and sit them in a darkened room to worship their favourite western musical Gods.  Brett’s German speakers are seriously loud. All Gods are tolerated, even if it is Michael Jackson, there’s no judgement.  When the seekers have calmed down, they suggest they go home. 

 

Brett's a mechanic.  He works on the river rafting boats so popular with young Indian men who like to take a Holy dip in the Ganga whilst rafting. Claire hangs out.  She gets up early every day and feeds dried grass to the sacred cows and goes to the Aarti fire ceremony every night at The Ashram. She loves sweeping her fingertips through the flames. 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, Grayam Voyant
 

A Message For Jamie Oliver

Treatie

 

Well Jamie heard it on the radio

and he saw it on the television

He was saviour of their dinners

time to fix reading for the kids

Words are easy, words can sweep

away real stories of this priceless land

But shit books can disappear

just like writing in the sand

Greedy Yeh Greedy Now

Greedy Yeh Greedy Now

Nhima djatpa nhe walang

gumurrtjararrk yawirriny Nhe gaya nhe matjini

Gaya nhe matjini Gaya gaya nhe gaya nhe

matjini walangwalang nhema djatpa nhe walang

nhe gumurrtjarrk nhe ya

Scary Bedtime Stories About The Olden Days For Generation Y By The Children Of The Revolution.

1. Back then life was eerie.  When the wall mounted phone rang, whoever went to answer it had no idea who or what might be on the line.

2.  Getting up off the couch, or even worse the bean bag, to change the channel on the television was hell.

3.  Our parents were really hardcore.  They didn't think we were all gifted and they did not gasp with amazement at all the 'clever' things we said.  The self esteem issues and anxiety we still harbour from this today is indescribable.

4.  There were very few coffee shops in the olden days.  Hardly any.

5.  When we spoke disrespectfully to older people they would look at us with a face akin to a stunned emoji.  The terrifying thing was that the face was live, not screen.  Many of us are still suffering flashbacks.

6.  If you were a woman after 2nd wave feminism you were not allowed to ask for help from men regarding gender specific roles.  The blokes said, 'you want equal rights, change the tyres yourself'.  This was before Google and YouTube.  It required rigorous research in libraries, garages and in some cases having to perform sexual favours.  Harrowing stuff.

7.  When you rented a dwelling the convention was to clean it yourself.  There was no vacate clean 'industry' at that time.  If hippies had been previous tenants we cleaned for weeks. Our parents told us we were sooks if we complained.

8.  Elders weren't much interested in our 'feedback'.  They told us feelings were not opinions.  They said they would listen when we had some real experience.

9.  If we would have used catch phrases like 'first world problems', our University lecturers, some of them barefooted, would have marched us out of the room.

10.  We have heard about 'safe rooms' in Universities into which today's students can retreat if the material they study is going to hurt their feelings or make them cry.  To this we have absolutely NOTHING to say. *stunned emoji, blinking*.

Kids, it was spooky.

Be glad you weren't there.

Self-Check Tips for Christmas Lunch Part 2

How To Avoid Battles Over The Table

1.  If you have mediated a family Christmas table for years, and are sick of it, a good idea is to bow out. Read, text or play on a device. Generation Y have made it socially acceptable to gaze into devices in company.

2.  Some dulling of the senses may be required for protection.  Restricted quantities, with wine and hard liquor kept to a minimum.  A nibble of a sedative can be of assistance.  Stoners will know that Xmas Lunch ain’t no place for weed, paranoia can set in, even for experienced smokers.  Fast drugs and heroin should not be used as it will be obvious, everyone will know, and you will never hear the end of it. 

3.  Changing the topic when you see tensions rising is a good idea.  Most families have some commonality of interest, like Footy.  Bring up something like the latest indiscretion of a footballer.  This allows the women to take part too.  The other trick is to go for the latest public scandal.  This Christmas we have a whole bunch of hot topics, the latest ‘missing Mum’, Harvey Weinstein, Don Burke and the mutterings around Menzies Era thespian Geoffrey Rush.  Another method is to make a ‘modern joke’ that everyone will get, for example, vocalising relief that no one in the family is gluten free or paleo, as you reach for the stuffing.

Self-Check Tips for Christmas Lunch Part 1

The only acceptable reasons for openly hating family members' partners are as follows:

1.  Emotional and/or physical abuse, this includes manipulations. If you act, be aware, and have all facts straight.  This is 'strike back like a Cobra' stuff'.
   
2.  Steals money.

3.  Substance abuse (hard drugs, grog (especially hard liquor), prescription drugs, weed is okay).

4.  Criminality, especially white collar.

5.  Racism.

6.  Boring.

Advisory List For President Donald Trump

1.  Bring all US forces home - usher in a final end to post colonialism - leave others alone. 

2.  Edward Snowden come home - if it wasn't you it woulda been someone else. 

3.  Chelsea Manning - you are pardoned - you showed us the dark depths to which politicians and bureaucrats are prepared to sink. 

4.  Julian Assange - 2 Options

Option 1 

Tell those Swedes to leave him alone and fly in a Trump helicopter in full agreement from Ecuador and set him free. 

Option 2 

Do an exchange deal with Ecuador whereby Julian goes to America in exchange for Hilary taking his place in the Ecuadorean Embassy. 

Option 1 Probably more realistic. 

5.  Guantanamo Bay - close it - make new prison that is humane. 

6.  Gay Marriage - just do it. No explanation necessary. 

7.  Get in Air Force One (we don't care if your new furnishings are somewhat garish) and fly to North Korea and sit down and have a chat to Kim. We know that you understand he is only 33 and you will work very well with that. 

8.  Russia - same gig as with Kim. Putin would like to be you and that's the edge there. 

9.  China - same deal with Xi Jinping, you will be able to vibe very quickly the score with this cat cause that is your skill. Read about the style of how Mr Gough Whitman went there. You will relate to him. 

10.  Europe - forget it - sinking ship. 

11.  Middle East - probably won't need to do much if you pull the troops out. Let those guys work stuff out themselves. No more need for Isis - let Post Colonial France deal with that mob. 

12.  Mexican Wall - we know it already partially exists and you don't need to do anything there as people forget stuff real quick. 

13.  Social Issues - let American people break free from political correctness and dismantle institutional regulation on this level. Of course the really good things from that era will remain intact - it's gardening Don. 

14. Guns - big challenge - involves the creation of a new mind set for many Americans - big call. We shall see. 

15.  Bono, Bob Geldof, Sting - don't need em - they are fucked and you already know that. If they do arrive at the White House for a cup of tea we will play with them and laugh about it later. 

16.  Queen Elizabeth - get an audience. She's very wise and she can help you. She will laugh at your jokes. 

17.  Prince Charles - old hippy with some good ideas - might waffle on a bit but a good bloke. 

18.  Prince William - don't bother. 

19.  Women's Issues - one voice to listen too - Camille Paglia who supported you all the way. If she's interested give her a portfolio. 

20.  Dalai Lama & Nic Sarkozy - these guys love celebrities and will sniff around. Block their addresses. 

21.  Round up all the Imans and get a confab happening to start or intensify the dialogue about Muslims doing some of the shit themselves re disenfranchised young Muslim dudes with mental health issues and terrorism. 

22.  Australia - be very suspicious of the current Prime Minister. He has already shown that he does not respect your privacy by getting your telephone number through Greg Norman. He has no real power in this country so don't worry about him. If a man called Stan Grant takes the stage he will work very well with you as he is also an outsider.

What Happens When White People Get Lost

We have been flying in and out of Alice Springs in the Northern Territory (AU).  Locals call us FIFO's to tease us as we are not trades people.  Some fans from remote communities tracked us down and sent us 'an invitation to contribute'.  They are compiling an educational manual on why white people do what they do and are how they are.

As much as we knew that we were the right people for this job we had to ask why we were chosen.  It turns out stories from our category House of Windsor are regularly read and discussed on community radio stations, some of them as far away as the APY Lands.  We're big in the desert.

The mob we are working with have given us 6 months (might be longer) to come up with some stories that 'unpack' the ways of the white fella to help Aboriginal people understand them.  We spent a week out bush on community where we hung back, took notes, kinda just listened.  Conversations ran far into the night, but we never asked direct questions, as we know that to be disrespectful in Aboriginal culture.

It was pretty clear that many of the artists felt that there was something strange about the white women who come to work at the Arts Centres.  They reckon some of them 'jealous*' their art by choosing their colours and telling them what things to paint.  Some are a real downer to be around because they seem guilty all the time and often talk very negatively about their families.  This was really something we could get our teeth into.  On the way back to Alice we were so inspired we pulled the vehicle into the Tropic Of Capricorn and scribbled our first allegory.  We wrote in silence, the only sound to be heard was the wind through the mulgas, like waves on an inland sea.  Here it is:

What Happens When White People Get Lost

Modern white people, particularly those from very rich countries, treat their identity in the same way Aboriginal people relate to the land. They need to feel that they are one by themselves and sometimes because of this other people don't matter. When some white people get lost and go looking for their identity it can make them sick.  White people believe that being in strange places will help them to find themselves.  This is why some of the white people who come to the desert want to hang around Aboriginal people.



* Aboriginal English
 Jealous / Jealousing: abusive, controlling, stopping you doing things.

Australia, we dodged a bullet

Remembering the time when 'somebody' was nearly our next Prime Minister.

Where There Was Fire....Another Melbourne Society Crime Scene Goes Under The Hammer

Yes, we have just returned from the auction across the road.  We are writing this so we don't have to answer calls or text back.  Our impressions are as follows.

About forty people gathered, most of them in black emerging from shiny black vehicles and only three needed to be there.  The building was once a Society Decorator's business, home and eventually his funeral pyre.  Today his showroom was a shrine for real estate agents who'd hung profile features of the Decorator on every spare piece of wall.  The frames weren't what you'd expect, much more subtle and utilitarian.  A chill ran through the tour group as the sound of a disembodied voice called for help from behind a closed door.  Keen to start on time the agents had closed off the upstairs residence and some people remained trapped inside.  We were really annoyed about that because we had wanted access to see (or hypothesize) where the candle might have been lit.

The auctioneer's flu-affected voice sounded like he himself had just emerged from a tinderbox.  He stresses that everything inside is included, except for the chandelier and the doorknob.   He assures the crowd that yes, the coffee machine is included, it's wired in.  He doesn't clarify who gets all the framed memorabilia.

The Toorak kooks were there, decked out in their crazy person clobber.  A dude in vintage Toyota overalls with bowling shoes, ladies with sequined caps, cheese-cutter style and scattered Pug-Bichon mixes. The bidding started at 1.3 million and three dudes fought it out to 2.05.  A tall, perhaps nondescript, man won.  Gesturing his way one of the kooks says to us, "A blue polo shirt, Stuart would have been appalled".

Artist's impression of new owner

Doorknob not included

Punk and Blanket and The Mummy Blogger; Chapter 3; Exodus

As you guys all know we have a history of confrontation in the face of dumbness.  We don't often start a fight but we normally finish it.  So it was with some surprise that we found ourselves in mediation with our office-mate, Mia the mummy blogger.

It started as most modern spats do, with a tweet.  We were researching images of Prince Andrew sweating and grinding for our cartoons when we saw a headline about The Australian of The Year 2015 recipient.  Shocked, confused we shot out a quick tweet.

We were trying to render Andrew's teeth when two uniformed police officers appeared in tow with Mia.  She was a weird mix of scared and smug.  The officers asked if we were punk and blanket and we said yes.  We reach for pens assuming they want an autograph but they say they have reason to believe that our conduct has been of a threatening nature to our office mate and that she no longer feels safe to be near us in the workplace.  We know it's not a joke as Mia doesn't have a sense of humour.  For sometime we remained silent, as silent as Gerard Baden-Clay taking the 5th.  

Eventually they asked us if we had any understanding of why Mia might be afraid. We kept staring blankly. Constable Bethany Brown in a tough little girl voice goes "Mia reckons you guys published a hateful and provocative attack on survivors of family violence, accompanied by menacing visual imagery. Have you guys been on Twitter this afternoon?"

It was impossible to lie. Twitter was open on the desktop of our very large screen Apple MacIntosh computer. We hand the mouse to Constable Beth and her offsider, Constable Dean Marsh. We let them scroll away and got back to the royal teeth. Mia becomes agitated, probably because it's the first time she realises our ambivalence to authority is real. Screeching between the Constables and pointing at the Emojis, she looks like she is on the verge of a panic attack and demands an intervention order.  We know we are living in the era of the sook but that seemed pretty extreme.  The police threw water on her request and suggested it was an issue more suited to mediation.

Brian, our mediator told us that Mia said she needed a support person to 'balance up the room'.  That was fine by us, even though she brought Fi (her grief counsellor who tried to make us rat on Sir Elton) with her.  She had also requested that we not be in the waiting area when she arrived.  That was also fine by us.

The mediation kicked off with Mia telling Brian (reading straight from her copious notes) her reasons as to why her safety was threatened by us. The tweet was just the final straw and confirmed in her mind that we were "probably sociopathic".  She provided an extensive list of transgressions.

1.  They are self-absorbed.  Example, they only blog about themselves and things that only interest them.

2. They are nasty.

3. Uncharitable.  Example, they refuse to support social justice movements like, #jesuischarlie #Istandformercy #Iswear #he4she #everydaysexism #paythewriters #paythedancers #IbreastfeedthereforeIam 

4. Small-Minded

5. Apolitical.

6. So juvenile for educated people.  Example, their bad cartoons.

7. Think they are special because they believe they can channel dead surrealists.

8. They laugh at fat people.  Example, they go deep water running and make jokes about getting caught in the whirlpool of a fat person's slipstream. They say they feel like corks.

9.  They openly tell her small children that their drawings don't look like what they are supposed to be.

10. They never like the pictures of her friends children on Facebook.

11. She has heard that they have invented a parlour game for their parties called Mia Translations where guests have to translate her sayings. "He's been here before", about her middle son, would translate as, "My child is Jesus". 

Addressing us, Brian asked if we would like to put our issues on the table.  We said we are simply here to move forward. Before proceeding to the negotiation phase, Brian called private sessions with each of us. Mia went first, which was great as it gave us some time to smash through a couple of levels of Candy Crush. Brian came back and informed us he was not in a position to relay what Mia had said but that we could now talk freely. We really did feel comfortable with Brian as there was a non-judgemental openness to his bearded face. He looked like a friendly bunyip that would be receptive to our truth. We say Mia has an over-inflated idea about the importance of her blog and we think she has an unhealthy attachment to her followers and her opinions. She doesn't understand what we do and what we stand for, she doesn't know the difference between mischief and contempt. She's always at us to get 'sponsors' for our blog and won't accept that we will never be monetised or appear on The Project. Brian nods and says Mia does appear to be quite opinionated. We raise the hashtag activism scene that Mia is mixed up in, where people wear compassion like they would band t-shirts. Brian indicated he was familiar with these sort of pretenders. He thinks Ben Quilty and his mob of supporters are making it worse for Andrew and Myu. We agree and tell him we call it 'compassion porn' and think it's a really dark practice. Normally in lore, people smudge with sage bundles to dispel bad energy fields. We tell him we believe being in the room during a punk and blanket session is the surrealist equivalent of being smudged and Mia is not changing despite our daily presence. Brian terminated the mediation at that point. 

Jason's List (double click for a better view)

We found this list in Mia "The Mummy Blogger" and Jason's bin. We've seen these venting lists before, written in a stream of consciousness at Dad's in Distress groups. Jason is clearly experiencing early onset self-actualisation.

                             

Punk & Blanket & The Mummy Blogger: Chapter 2

We're at a BBQ at Mia's place in Brighton. All of the women have brought earthen bowls of ancient grain salads, some with quenelles of home-made labne. Jason is out the back tea-smoking farmed trout, beaming with smooth pride. A former athlete, Jason unashamedly favours a low-carb beer while Mia churns out carb-less white-spirit cocktails for 'the girls'.

We were a late addition to the evening which had been planned for months. A babysitter was looking after all of their children - except for Flynn, who was asleep in her room - so the parents could have their me time together. They shared stories of birthing, parenting, post-natal depression, teething and growing up too fast. Mia juggled advice, ancient grains, pouring glasses of Tasmanian Rain, all the while cooing into the mouthpiece of her state-of-the-art B&O baby monitor. It was like a Madonna mic with an ear and mouth piece so she can sooth Flynn remotely.



Tania, a mother of twins and mature aged student who'd returned to school to study Natropathy, is sitting next to us and keeps saying 'Isn't Mia great?', but it's not really a question.  She says to us, 'You guys work online too, don't you? Mia's told me your site is really fascinating. It sounds like a terrific idea.' Before we know it, Tania is trying to sniff Sir Elton's private life out of us like a truffle pig. Throwing her off the scent, we tell Tania we make it all up and back-off towards the blokes smoking trout. We often find sanctuary in the comfortable silence of men.

Fiona ('Fi'), a grief counsellor, comes out the back and asks for a puff, she's normally not a smoker but after a few drinks... She used to smoke a lot before she had children and even when they were little babies because 'they didn't know the smell'. The talk of pregnancy segued to a direct line of questioning from Fi about Sir Elton and David's second child. Luckily Mia walked passed and we grabbed her tanned arm, asking to see the baby as we knew our wish would be granted immediately.

All the way up to Flynn's cot, Mia, who is a little bit tipsy now and unsteady on her feet, regales us with Flynn's sleep history and visits to Sleep School. 'I could never leave her with a baby sitter,' she explains, 'The separation anxiety would be too bad.' As we stand by the cot, what Mia calls the 'Love Mobile' hangs above the cradle. It is fashioned from coconut shells with photographs of Mia pulling various faces attached to them, each one a different version of 'the mother'. She lists them for us:

Reassuring mummy
Loving mummy
Happy mummy
Caring mummy
Funny mummy
Unconditional mummy
Concerned mummy
Smiley Face mummy
Silly mummy
Beautiful mummy
Peaceful mummy

...and suggested we try and guess which 'mummy' was which Mia.

Punk & Blanket & The Mummy Blogger: Chapter 1

We have had to sublet part of our workspace due to the Global Financial Crisis which is really hitting Australia hard.  Mia, an online editor and publisher of issues to do with parenting has moved in.  In her application she demonstrated a vast knowledge of our site as she had noted the various ups and downs with our tenuous, volatile relationship with Sir Elton.

Mia has three children with partner Jason: Baxter 6, Atlas 4 and a little girl called Flynn who is 15 months.  She's very busy.  Kerryn, her personal assistant helped her set up her workstation. They've been friends for a really long time and finish each other's sentences. Kerryn is also a mother but only has her children fifty per cent shared care as part of the court order with her ex. As we watched, Mia art directed her 'Wonder Wall', a collection of keepsake images of her family. Kerryn suggested using the proof sheets of Flynn's professional shoot and Mia went with it, deciding on 'eye level, and to the right'.

On her application, Mia had ticked the box for coffee machine. We were slightly deflated when Kerryn unpacked the Nespresso, and with that we discreetly retrieved our Gloria Jean's loyalty cards from the bin. Kerryn was coming at us with Decaffeinato Lungo, we diverted the situation by popping the bottle of Bollinger we'd bought especially for the occasion. As always happens with French, one bottle is never enough. Mia gave Kerryn money to go to the shops and buy three more bottles. Before too long, we were all shouting to each other about ourselves. No one was listening. The last memory is Kerryn shouting down her mobile to her new partner Brendan saying she's maggoted.