Turkeys here, turkeys there. Everywhere you turn, would-be winners of Turkey of the Year appear.
We need to narrow it down. So this year, more specificity, more criteria, otherwise these things become meaningless.
This year we're introducing a theme for Turkey of the Year: A Vicarious Life - The Belinda Brewin Proximity Prize.
This theme honours Belinda Brewin who shot to fame living through Paula Yates, the greatest vicarious liver of all time.
In the interests of complete fairness and transparency, these are the criteria:
1. Only really relevant because of 'other':
2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable: one of Belinda's true callings
3. Sublimation of personality
4. High probability of releasing tell-all
Each nominee must meet the four essential criteria. The nominees are:
Damian Hurley
A global laughing stock.
1. Only really relevant because of 'other':
Mummy.
2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable
Directing Mummy in sex scenes for his movie. Mixed reports about presence of intimacy coach.
3. Sublimation of personality
Body Melded with Mummy.
4. High probability of releasing tell-all.
Confirmed. Predicted to be when he's around 45. And it will be sad.
Kevin Federline
Britney particularly mental at the moment - no wonder. Arsehole.
1. Only really relevant because of 'other'
Out of all the nominees, no-one deserves their reflected fame less than this person. He makes us so mad. Ears steaming.
2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable.
Nothing more vulnerable than a former child star on the rebound. Dirty.
3. Sublimation of personality
N/A - no exisiting personality to sublimate.
4. High probability of releasing tell-all
Wrote tell all book about Britney because he thinks his side of the story is interesting.
Alison 'Ali' Rose Prior
Only remaining friend of mushroom killer, Erin Patterson.
1. Only really relevant because of 'other':
Known for being the only friend of caged Erin Patterson.
2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable
Only friend of Erin Patterson at her triple murder trial.
3. Sublimation of personality
The words 'only friend of Erin Patterson' will precede her name for the rest of her life.
4. High probability of releasing tell-all
Almost certain. Probable title "Erin and I: A true account from the only friend of Erin Patterson".
Hard Quiz - Expert Subject - Erin Patterson.
Bianca Censori
Australia says sorry.
1. Only really relevant because of 'other':
So desperate for fame, she chose the coat tails of a mental patient.
2. Attaches to host when host is most vulnerable
Covered by criteria 1.
3. Sublimation of personality
Brand identity:
4. High probability of releasing tell-all
Yes, and will pretend that it's Art.
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