About Claire Voyant

Claire has been our Guide for a number of years. Her readings have been instrumental in all the decisions we make, from selling shares to the colour scheme of our blog. Claire sees her forecasting talents as a sacred gift so she would never use them for financial gain. We noticed early on that her mystical expertise gravitated to the more prominent members of society. Way before Milli Vanilli were exposed Claire was sure "those boys were not singing those songs". Before we knew the author had made it all up Claire told us how she had experienced headaches and dizzy spells whilst trying to read The Hand That Signed The Paper. When news broke of the Michael Hutchence/Paula Yates Affair Claire sent us an email saying she had a bad feeling about 'those two". Clearly our friend Claire is extraordinarily gifted.

Given Claire's obvious connection with those in the limelight we are proud to have her contribute to our blog, occasionally and when it comes.

Claire Voyant

Harry Sweeps Up After Billy

We are right-royally shocked! Our sources on the ground in the UK have informed us that Prince Harry is NOT a pothead: it is William. It all began with William's first year of his Arts Degree at St Andrews, and his introduction to Kate 'The Bud' Middleton. It seems the secrecy surrounding their relationship has more to it than avoiding tabloid interest in their love-life. Kids on campus refer to him as His Royal HIGHness Prince Billy, and the word is, he and The Bud are always holding the best gear. Their secret was safe until term break and Billy's return to St James Palace.

Royal aides became increasingly exasperated by his lounge-lizardry. Billy would spend days and nights slumped in a Chesterfield, red-eyed and playing PlayStation. On the day of Trooping the Colour Harry received a call from the Page of the Back Stairs. Several aides had been trying to coax the Future King into getting dressed for the ceremony. Billy was refusing to get out of his tracky and was insisting he be left alone to finish his level on Medal of Honour. Ever the dutiful Spare, Harry went to speak with his brother. After a good half hour of trying to persuade Billy to come and watch Granny take her salute, Harry realised that his efforts were in vain. As he left the smoke-filled room, he turned to the heir and asked one more time if he would come with him. Slit-eyed with drooping jowls, Billy replied "Maybe later".

At the Trooping, some friendly paparazzi approached Harry and asked him of his brother's whereabouts. Looking distracted and reeking of Billy's cannabis, Harry muttered that William wasn't feeling well. The bemused press assumed that the Spare, with his paranoid eyes and suspect odour, was the smoker. And Harry Pothead was born.

Mob Lingo #2

The Slot...



...maximum security wing of Barwon Prison.

Zhao Bandi is a Surrealist

Mob Lingo #1

tropical...




hot and under investigation

Simon Overland's Lament

I see you in my dreams



My baby faced Soprano


Playing with your



Puppy in the surf



I hear your cries



"No Jason" "No Jason"



I hear your lies



"Not Jason" "Not Jason"




Mr Williams



Let me sleep



Signor Williams




Bring the peace



This feud



This war



Don Carlo



The truth



Must come out

Melanie Griffith Is Wise

Whenever we have a blue day, Melanie gives us shelter. She comforts us in our darkest of hours. Like the many who seek Melanie's counsel through her message board we recognise and admire her gritty determination to triumph over adversity - she's made it from Don Johnson (twice) to Antonio Banderas - from alcohol to prescriptions, and she is still the same fresh-faced lass from Working Girl. When we are time poor and need to fast track an issue (which has been a lot lately due to recent events on the Gold Coast) we'll pop into Mel's Dream Room to heal with her tried and tested techniques:

When I have questions in my life I look to my inner conscience for answers. Whether it’s how to portray a character or how to deal with a crisis in my life, I’ve been lucky to be able to find guidance from within. Because it has been such an incredible gift in my life, I would like to pass it on to you…Before you go to bed at night write to your inner self a letter asking for answers to be revealed to you about something that you need help with. What you seek may come to you in a dream, or the answer may develop first subconsciously and then just take place in your conscious life.

Below is one letter I use:


Dear Inner Self,
If it is your will, please reveal to me
in a dream tonight the secret of my success
in order to become closer to you.

With love and respect,
-Melanie

Here is a letter for you to use:

Dear Inner Self,
If it is your will, please reveal to me
in a dream tonight the positive way to (insert problem here)
in order to become closer to you.

With love and respect,
(Insert your name)



Thank-you Melanie.
With love and respect,
punk and blanket

Seeking Closure

We need help. And the sooner the better. Friends have sneered at us at dinner parties when we question the Gretel and Saxon 'friendship'. Our peers have branded us as conservative and that really hurts. Our feminist wimmin friends point out that if Gretel were a man, no-one would question it. We didn't know feminism covered pouncing on children. Does that mean Michael Jackson is a feminist? On top of all of this, 'the visions' won't go away. In fact, they are more frequent and more terrifying than ever. We have begun counselling, and in group the other day Courtney suggested we confront our fears. She says we are projecting our ageist ideals onto Gretel and Saxon and that the reason why stems from events in our early childhood. It could even have been something in utero. It became clear that we had to see the couple with our own eyes. So we went to the Final Eviction After Party.

The party was really out of it. We tried to distance ourselves from Trevor and Breea because all of that 'I love you' stuff was getting out of hand. Gretel and Saxon were keeping pretty much to themselves. Everyone around us was saying how happy they look together. A former contestant remarked that Gretel's perfect for Saxon because 'no-one understands what it's like to be in the Big Brother House'. By the end of the night we were somewhat more at ease. Gretel and Saxon are just like any other couple who enjoy spas and eggs benedict for brunch. Saxon's mother was nowhere to be seen.

Feeling relieved and politically correct we wandered back to our room at Palazzo Versace. We ordered some coffee to drink with our pillow mints. We were watching cable and it was some time after midnight when the room went dark and cold. A strange glow emanated from the television and it was hissing. All of a sudden it came alive with the following digitally enhanced horror:

Gretel is in labour. She looks like she's been there for sometime. Her Russian hair extensions are ragged and a couple of them have fallen on the floor. Saxon is crying floods of tears which is making Gretel angry. Saxon pulls himself together and stands behind his lady. As Gretel makes her final push Saxon's mum crashes through the birth canal, landing feet first at the end of the bed.

Our counselling continues.

Urgent Plea

STOP! ENOUGH!
POSH
STOP! NOW!
KYLIE
STOP! ENOUGH!
GUY RITCHIE
STOP! NOW!
GWYNETH
STOP! ENOUGH!
sam newman
STOP! NOW!
DON BURKE
STOP! ENOUGH!
KARL LAGERFELD
STOP! NOW!
DANNI
STOP! ENOUGH!
JUSTIN
PLEASE!

Secret Prison Tapes

We are in a highly excited state. We have in our hands a tape secreted from Port Philip Prison. The tape contains conversations between the Armed Robber and Matthew Wales that form the basis of the as yet unpublished book "Matthew: Dark Prince Of Wales" (working title). The first part of the tape is a bit boring, it's just Matt going on about his bad childhood. It starts to get interesting when Matt links hairdressing with the murders. We had to re-wind that bit. Unbelievably he is telling the Armed Robber that there are pressure points on the back of the head that can trigger death. He learnt this in 'Shampoo, Conditioning and Head Massage' during his hairdressing apprenticeship. The interview comes to an abrupt ending with the sounds of Paul Denyer's hairdryer being run up and down the bars. He is demanding Matthew give him a blow wave.

I just woke from this nightmare

I am having brunch with Gretel and Saxon. Saxon's Eggs Benedict are delicious, a recipe he has learned from Nigella. Gretel looks languid. She is wearing a petticoat and high heels. After brunch I leave the couple alone doing the dishes. Suddenly, the sounds of a vicious argument come from the kitchen. I can hear raised voices and smashing plates. Saxon is vehemently denying ever having stained the Peugeot's seats with baby oil and talcum powder. I hear him stamping his feet. Just as I am about to call her, Saxon's mum crashes through the door, screaming at Saxon to go to his room. Crying, he runs to his room and slams the door, shouting that he hates us all.

More terrifying visions...

I'm lost in the Gold Coast hinterland. It is dark and I am running. My mobile phone has no signal. I am in a frenzy. In the distance I can hear running water and a strange whirring sound, not unlike that of cog-wheels in constant motion. I surge forward through the bracken into a clearing. Through the chlorinated mist I can just make out two naked bodies lowering themselves into a bubbling spa. I'm not sure, but I think I can see the silhouette of a pacifier protruding from the male figures mouth. I inch closer, squinting in an effort to get a better view. When I am approximately 5 metres away, I recognise them: it is Gretel and Saxon. I am badly shaken and reach for my Xanax, but another vision, more frightening than the last, causes me to drop my tablets onto the mossy ground. To the couple's left Saxon's mum is astride a pedal-powered outdoor generator. She pedals furiously, periodically dipping her elbow into the spa, monitoring the water temperature.

Big Brother Botches Bree's Boot-off

According to BB central, Bree was wrongly evicted and has since been reinstated as an official housemate (HM). It is with some suspicion that punk and blanket observe these happenings.

Is it really possible that a reputable and sound company like Legion Interactive has made such a mistake? We know ratings have been low this year, Big Brother, and we fear that the show may be suffering from the publicity surrounding Gretel Killeen's relationship with former contestant Daniel "Saxon" Small. These rumours are particularly alarming given the couple's musical aspirations. The whole Gretel/Saxon phenomenon has disturbed us greatly. Over the years we have watched Gretel shine, mesmerised by her razor-sharp wit and bedazzled by her sometimes curious costumes. Phrases like "I hope I look that good when I'm her age" have been known to spew from our mouths. Our image is imploding. We are woken during the night with frightening visions such as this:


'Gretel and Saxon are lying in Gretel's bed, the breeze gently blowing through her open window. Just as she is about to join Saxon for another 'coupling' Saxon's Mummy pops her henna'd head through the window. She wants to know if her little boy would like some bircher muesli and some fresh nappies.'

Mission Beach

This blog is dedicated to the Founding Fathers of Surrealism.

It is our mission to comment on events in popular culture.

We are against the notion of 'celebrity' - we believe it to be an unsavoury phenomenon that is threatening to destroy the civilised and 'uncivilised' worlds. Celebrity has infected all walks of life and is playing havoc with the minds of the young and the restless. We will be tracking the media and highlighting the transgressions of those who have lost themselves in a wash of self aggrandisement though the misuse of infamy. We will celebrate those who handle notoriety with grace.

We are already known on a particular forum as muckrakers however we feel that the commercial interests of the unsaid forum impeded our work as we were banned several times because our work was incomprehensible to them.

Manifesto

Our manifesto has already been written.
Here it is