Surprise Invite

About a week ago an unmistakable envelope arrived in the post. We've seen that paper many times before. To appease guilt brought on by his endless consumption, Sir Elton John recycles his flowers into paper and, like his favourite late Princess, he loves a thank you note - not that we've gotten any since the scene on the Gold Coast earlier this year. The envelope has been sitting on our desk reeking of Sir Elton's custom made fragrance (a gift from David), all this time as we've been wrestling with our pride. We know it's The Wedding Invitation. We'd been expecting Sir Elton to extend an olive branch but we never thought David would let him invite us to the wedding. It's thrown us into emotional turmoil because to tell the truth, we buried that friendship long ago (something that was surprisingly easy to do with no counseling required) and now our ability to forgive is being challenged. On another level, we have been perplexed by Sir Elton publicly nuzzling around Sir Moses Geldof, promising to bring him the lamb of Pete Doherty.

Wanted: Carpenter After a Big Job

New Zealand's russell crowe recently asked one of our mates in carpentry to build the not-so-little Charlie Spencer Crowe's bedroom. He declined because the job was too big and he has no experience in barn construction. If anyone in the Coffs Harbour locale is after some long-term labour, we suggest you contact Nana Glen ASAP.

russell's vision for Charlie's space

Let's Play 6 Degrees of Desperation!

1. TOM CRUISE
disturbingly engaged to
2. KATIE HOLMES
who is 'saving herself' sexually 'till she's married, like
3. GUY SEBASTIAN
who won Australian Idol, judged by former one-hit wonder
4. MARK HOLDEN
who got bashed up by
5. TIM ROGERS
who said he'd rather slit his throat than be as hopeless and desperate as
6. INXS

Schapelle's Hotman

Hot Man
Gold Pistols
Mullet Hair
Make Sure
You Make
It Fair

Desperately Channeling Michael

Prayer For Michael (reprise)

michael,
say you didn't
touch the children.
oh mike,
say you didn't
touch them there
in Never Neverland
with your
never never hands
cos you know
its really,
really
bad.

Amen.

Originally posted July 2004

What Next For New Zealand's Mental Case?

The sun was going down and we had just thrown our russ-filled rocks into the sea (as per Claire's instructions - see previous post) when we heard the good news: russell crowe has finally been arrested in Manhattan. He chucked a phone at a hotel employee and lacerated the poor boy's face. Not convinced by russell yet again spinning his usual good husband/dad line - that his telephone call with 'his family' got interrupted - we called our friends at the NYPD. They surprisingly informed us the family angle was true and directed us to the Coffs Harbour Police, Local Area Command (also our mates) with whom they are conducting a joint investigation. The guys reckon that a long-winded conversation between Danielle and her husband drove the hungry and heavy-set Charles Spencer Crowe to gnaw through the telephone cord.

Cleansing Rituals For Anyone Who Has Been Exposed To My Hand My Heart By russell crowe

My Grandson Grayam recently returned from a weekend in Coffs Harbour. russell crowe invited him to his farm called Nana Glen; it seems russell wants him to play the 'young russell' in a film clip for his next single. Grayam just can't stop talking about russell, who gave him a swag (literally) of his latest album, My Hand My Heart. I got a special signed copy, Grayam said russell was quite insistent that I listen to it. To be honest I wasn't really interested but I played it as all things should be received with grace. Unfortunately, I had a negative and violent reaction, and I have only just come to. I was half way through the song called Worst In The World when I had to run to the bathroom where I vomited black wool for approximately 23 hours. In between bouts I lay on the cool tiles, sucking the moisture from a soggy towel. If you have any adverse side effects from this music I suggest you perform the following cleansing rituals to rid yourself of russell's woolly demons.


Smudging

Smudging can be used to eliminate negative energy fields from any technology involved, this includes computers, car stereos, ipods etc. (when cleansing your ipod it is imperative to run the battery down completely first). I like to use sage as it is good for banishing dark forces. I usually use Ceremonial White Sage, but garden sage works equally well. Work in one direction, spiraling to the centre using the classic Counter Clockwise Banishing Manoeuvre.



You can use a smudge stick. I prefer a small wad of the leaves. Carry a heatproof container (ashtray) in your left hand; the smudge in your right. If you use leaves or a smudge stick, knock the ashes off often, so you won't catch anything on fire (avoid nylon garments). It's a good idea to keep a container of water close by, just in case.

For severe contamination bury your technology under a pile of your favourite CD's (original, not pirates) on the eve of a full moon night. Retrieve on the following half moon.


Self Purification Ritual

Using a bowl you have an everyday relationship with, fill with spring water (not evian) and three pinches of salt. When you are ready breathe russell's woolly demons into the salt water where they will dissolve away. Repeat until all images (aural or visual) of russell crowe have passed out of your body. Carry the bowl to the sink and flush water down with cold running water. Smudge yourself with jasmine or lavender.



Smudging outdoors (photo courtesy of Coffs Harbour Smudging Society).




Getting Rid Of Nasty Astral Slime


Sit in nature at sunset holding a stone (any stone will do). Project all the nasty slimy and inky feeling you picked up from this ordeal into the stone and then say:

I release this astral slime
And all darkness which is not mine
I let go of all that may have harmed
My aura is bright, all russ released
And I am charmed

Now throw the rock into a body of water preferably as the sun drops below the horizon and be conscious of its fading light taking away any astral slime in your energy field.




I hope these will help those whose lives have been polluted. To those remaining untouched, remember - prevention is better than cure.

CV x