Here Comes The Prince!

With only four days to go till HRH Prince Charles arrives in Australia we are beside ourselves with preparations, so this will be a short post. There's just so much to do! We need to get bushwalking footwear for HRH, flynets, an Akubra (for Charles, not us), zinc, canteens and Aerogard (Charles LOVES the smell). The Prince's request for a native to carry His parasol is causing us the most grief as we feel it has colonial overtones. To satisty the Prince's shade-needs we're having a parasol harness custom made for Him; political correctness aside, we'd like some private time with our friend. To make matters worse, our clairvoyant, Claire Voyant, has blabbed to her new Kiwi friend, Pip, that we know Prince Charles and she keeps coming over to our place with offerings for HRH. So far she has brought 23 crates of New Zealand wine from her friends winery in the Marlborough region, boiled wool garments from Dunedin and ghastly, uninspired paua shell jewellery "for Camilla". We're getting vibes that Pip wants to come with us on our bushwalk to Timbertop, but there's no way she is coming. Go back to New Zealand, Phillippa, and TAKE RUSSELL CROWE WITH YOU!

Back off, Crowe!

It seems our efforts yesterday were in vain, our pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Crowe, if you don't stop it with the phone calls, the emails, the text messages, the skywriting and your hired goons we will have no choice but to notify the authorities and institute a restraining order.

Russell, if you think we are going to listen to you, you are delusional. There are many reasons why you have ZERO credibility and since you insist on us telling you why, here is a list of your transgressions:

1. You bag Bob De Niro, Harrison Ford and George Clooney for using their celebrity to make an extra buck but you cut a deal with Hello! magazine to document your wedding preparations where you are sitting around with Giorgio Armani like some kind of suck. And what about your Eucalyptus (R.I.P) buddy Nic? She's whored herself to Chanel!




2. You went out with Meg Ryan.




3. Punching and hitting (or getting your bodyguards to do it for you) is not old Hollywood machismo, it's low impulse control. It is also assault.

4. On Enough Rope with Andrew Denton you went on about how Ridley Scott worked your script suggestions into Gladiatior. This is nothing to be proud of Russell; when there's gas tanks under chariots and blokes running around battle scenes in denim jeans, one could be forgiven for thinking Gladiator is not a cinematic masterpiece.

5. Your band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, is a disgrace...and as for that film clip for your insipid duet with Chrissie Hynde! We'd like you to know Russell that parading around in R.M. Williams does not an Australian bushman make.

6. There was a time when we had a soft spot for you, Russ. When you were breaking up with Meg you said you could not bear to be away from your dog longer than six months. But our friends have been to Nana Glen and there is NO DOG living there. We are against people using animals to further their careers.

No Rusty, No!

This is a public appeal to New Zealand's Russell Crowe.

Russell, please stop emailing us. Your suggestions for changes to the content of our blog are not welcome and out of line. And promising to fund our local rugby team will not help your cause.

Leave us alone, Russ.

Royal Qiz Competition

Win the perfume created especially for Princess Grace by emailing us (punkandblanket@yahoo.com.au) your Royal Qiz answers!
Entries close midnight, March 1st 2005, Australian Eastern Summer Time.
Answers will be posted shortly after closing date.


1. When Prince Charles came to Australia as a young man he went to a very special school camp, what is it's name?

2. Lady Di once strapped fossils to her legs as a form of natural therapy, true or false?

3. What killed the Queen's favorite corgi?

4. What was the theme of the party where Prince Harry wore a Nazi costume?

5. What is the purple corridor?

6. Which Royal has designed and constructed his own egalitarian and energy efficient village?

7. What is the name of the Zimbabwean lass currently dating Prince Harry?

8. Before her untimely death Lady Di was in talks with Kevin Costner regarding her starring in The Bodyguard 2, true or false?

9. What is the name of the guy photographed sucking Fergie's toes? Bonus point for his job.

10. Which Royal couple's pet names for each other are Gladys and Fred?







Answers

1. Geelong Grammar School's country outpost, Timbertop, where the children of the rich take initiation rites and "rough it".
2. True
3. Princess Anne's bull terrier
4. Native and Colonial
5. The Queen of England's private air space.
6. HRH Prince Charles
7. Chelsea Davey, now former girlfriend, due to alleged intervention by future Princess Consort, Camilla Parker-Bowles, who is said to have likened Chelsea to the unpredictable late Princess Diana.
8. True
9. John Bryant, Texan financial advisor.
10. Prince Charles and Camilla.

A Wedding at Last!

This morning's news that our Prince of Wales has popped the question to his lady has filled us with untold joy. With infidelity testing Brand Beckham and Mr and Mrs Pitt calling it a day, a love spanning four decades will finally be recognised by the church, the monarchy and the subjects of the British Commonwealth. We have heard rumblings of discontent amongst Britons still struggling to accept that Diana will never be Queen, however we have always been of the opinion that the Prince was just as much a victim of their arranged marriage. We blame the late Lord Mountbatten for getting in Charles' ear and imposing his antiquated values upon him. He told the young Charles, who was then infatuated with Camilla, that a "bedded-can't-be-wedded". We are still witnessing the carnage from that misguided advice today: look at Prince Harry, clearly a troubled young man.

In these crazy times of instability - domestically and globally - it is so inspiring to know that love can still conquer all. Congratulations to our future King, HRH The Prince of Wales. We look forward to seeing His Royal Highness on his upcoming Australasian tour.

Air Psychic

After a series of positive affirmations and Fearless Flying Classes with Anita Keating, Claire announced last week that she was ready to take off for Geneva. During the long taxi down the runway Claire kept whispering Anita's 'insider alternatives' to the safety demonstration, it was really annoying as we take emergency procedures seriously. Mid-sentence of another Anita tip Claire went silent and her face was ashen when the video started talking Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). She began copying the preventative exercises shown on the screen, her attention was somewhat eerie, and it made us feel a bit guilty about being young and fit. Claire expressed concern that Anita had not warned her about this potentially fatal peril but it's been a long time since Anita flew with Alitalia. With the forced silence of take off we watched Claire's face as she pulled her first G's, she had her eyes closed and was mouthing a mantra. Before the climb had even finished Claire resumed her Anita babble, veering dangerously towards sycophantry. We know enough about psychology to understand that her rantings were symptomatic of anxiety, and we are compassionate enough not to get angry at her but we too in these post September 11 years sometimes experience unease whilst flying. We tried to block Claire out gently by feigning interest in watching Cold Mountain. It didn't work because she kept interrupting us with more Anita prose and every ten to twelve minutes she'd perform her Anti-DVT stretches, her bottom and reaching arms partially obscuring our screens. With 14 hours flight time remaining something had to be done. We crushed up two 5mg Xanax in the cellophane wrapping of a cigarette packet using a mini Scotch bottle. We put the fine pink powder back into the nearly empty bottle that we shook to make a liquid paste and waited for Claire's specially ordered vegetarian meal to arrive. As Claire was asking the flight attendant if they were acquainted with The Keating Method of Emergency Evacuation, we slipped the potion underneath the foil of Claire's vegetarian minestrone. Fifteen minutes after her meal, Claire was fast asleep and we could relax and watch Wayne's World 2.
Claire was out till landing and was embarrassed and surprised at having slept the whole trip. We got a bit paranoid - Claire would not approve of being spiked with pharmaceuticals - so we told her that they turn the cabin pressure down to mildly sedate passengers so they don't go mental on long haul flights. Claire, who sees herself as a modern mystic, has 'an open mind for science', so she bought it unquestioningly.

Shortly after touch down, Claire was whisked away in a black limousine with darkened windows that was waiting on the tarmac and we were left to our own devices in Geneva, which appears to be a type of world office. People seemed to be having meetings and conventions everywhere; it was like being in the United Colours of Benetton. We went to the lake and the fountain was not on that day, so we visited historical buildings, monuments and religious landmarks but it was all very clean and serious so we went back to the hotel to watch cable and write postcards. Claire came back really late and she seemed kind of tipsy. We were so interested in what had gone on but we know better than to ask Claire the details of her readings, however she did tell us that he was 'very hospitable' and that upon hearing of her fear of flying he had us upgraded to first class.

It's only two per row in first class so we had to split up. Claire took the seat behind us next to a groovy New Zealander named Phillippa. At first we were concerned for the Kiwi as she might not have known who Anita Keating was and we only had 5mg of Xanax left, but they really connected over shared DVT fears. Phillippa gave Claire a pair of designer compression tights made out of possum wool and on her recommendation they started drinking 42 Below (cool Kiwi brand of vodka) bloody marys. They talked so loudly we heard every word, which was Phillippa educating Claire on Kiwi fashion, Kiwi music, Kiwi wine and how Kiwis maintain a better relationship with their indigenous people than Australians do. Claire seemed really into it and started calling her 'Pippa' and 'Pip'. It turns out Pippa is an Auckland gallery owner, recently divorced and living with a toy boy.

At Melbourne Airport, Claire declined our offer of a lift as she was off to the Zambesi sale with Pip. We don't want to be mean but that deconstructed look is not going to suit Claire.

Offence by Group Email

Group emails are the bain of our existence. We NEVER send them ourselves and we normally delete any that are sent to us. We find them insincere, lazy and loaded with self-importance. Group emails that contain boring details of their 'fabulous' holiday are particularly repugnant. As if we care! As if we are interested! So you can imagine our disgust when we open an incoming email from a friend we haven't seen in ages and it turns out to be a group email, addressed to about 230 of her 'closest' friends. And to further the insult our friend, who once produced important feminist texts, has reduced herself to chronicling the details of her life as a porn tourist. Check this out!

To all my friends and family,

Happy New Year to you all. As I write this I am on my fifth trip to Venice in the last twelve months. It’s such a beautiful city, I just cannot keep away. And after the debacle of that show I’m in dire need of my own reality.
There’s a Polish boy here this time that has piqued my attention. We have not yet spoken but I have heard him ordering a frappe and the melody of his partially broken voice certainly fires the loins of even this post-menopausal woman. This morning I passed him on the pier, our eyes met for a second until he bashfully turned away. I watched him walk on, his firm buttocks like two eggs in a hankie. I have a feeling he is a Naval Cadet as he is often dressed in a sailor suit, which only adds to my longing.
I’m staying at Hotel Concordia (you know, the only one overlooking San Marco square), and it seems my little friend is too, albeit with his parents. Last night at dinner they were seated at a table not far from mine and I was convinced my Polish boy was fixated on me. I stared back at him but our moment was interrupted when a middle aged man asked me to sign his copy of my latest book. I had to chuckle at the irony of it all!...

We won't bore you with the entirity of the letter. Needless to say we have not clicked on reply.