Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Monday, October 25, 2004
Bonnie Prince Harry
We have just returned from an amazing weekend with our spiritual mentor Claire Voyant. She invited us onto her houseboat, The Claire Buoyant, which she moors at Bonnie Doon. We'd been wanting to go to the Doon for some time as some of our friends in the Police Force have shacks and ponies up there and they always look refreshed when they come back.
Our visit brought home to us the severity of the water shortage and global warming. It was hot and the dam was alarmingly low. The receding water line made it very difficult to get to The Claire Buoyant as she was almost 500 metres from the original shoreline. Murray (Claire's Bush Poet Boyfriend) had fashioned a chain and some old fence posts into a climbing aid (similiar to the chain that infidels use to climb Uluru) so that we could get down the muddy banks with our luggage.
After a delicious lunch, cooked by Murray, of BBQ'd Redfin, potato salad and a glass of Turkey Flat Rose, Claire asked us if we'd mind her getting in a quick ski. Riding with Murray up the front of the speedboat, we were privileged to witness the natural agility that saw Claire crowned Miss Barefoot Moomba, 1965.
Later that night, which was clear and still, we played euchre with Claire and Murray. Claire was taking trick after trick and it was getting a bit boring. All of a sudden Claire dropped her hand and started rocking in her chair, then she started speaking in what we thought were tongues. Murray instinctively grabbed the scoring pencil and started scribbling. We just eased back into our chairs and savoured the reprieve from Claire's merciless card game. When it all died down and Claire had wiped her mouth, Murray turned to us and asked if we were familiar with Yumpla Tok or Torres Strait Broken, which of course, we weren't. Murray, who's really into linguistics, reckons Yumpla Tok is the post-contact language of Thursday Islanders and other indigene of the Torres Strait. He said he knew for a fact that Claire does not speak Yumpla Tok, nor has she been to Thursday Island, so it had to be 'from the other side'. He told us the visitant warned of a 'gap closing in on her boy' and also 'mind the snap'. We took note of this message and dealt a fresh hand.
The next day we are at the milk bar getting Claire some smokes. The guy behind the counter notices our Royal Tour 1982 T-Shirts and asks us if we've heard the latest on Prince Harry (he called him Ginger Meggs). We say no, so he directs us to The Age where we see Harry, a sad and troubled soul, caught in a crossfire of flashbulbs. The young prince has lashed back at the paparazzi. They are saying that his gap year has been a complete disaster and the headlines read 'Harry Snaps'. It seems that yet again Claire was spot on, and to realise we had been in the same houseboat as Lady Di last night sent us shivers.
We return to The Buoyant and upon seeing our ashen faces, Claire fixes us a shandy. As we pour out our worries for the third in line to the British (and Our) throne, Claire embraces us and whispers "Remember what I've told you, he will be fine, " into our ears. Murray joins us in a group hug.
Our visit brought home to us the severity of the water shortage and global warming. It was hot and the dam was alarmingly low. The receding water line made it very difficult to get to The Claire Buoyant as she was almost 500 metres from the original shoreline. Murray (Claire's Bush Poet Boyfriend) had fashioned a chain and some old fence posts into a climbing aid (similiar to the chain that infidels use to climb Uluru) so that we could get down the muddy banks with our luggage.
After a delicious lunch, cooked by Murray, of BBQ'd Redfin, potato salad and a glass of Turkey Flat Rose, Claire asked us if we'd mind her getting in a quick ski. Riding with Murray up the front of the speedboat, we were privileged to witness the natural agility that saw Claire crowned Miss Barefoot Moomba, 1965.
Later that night, which was clear and still, we played euchre with Claire and Murray. Claire was taking trick after trick and it was getting a bit boring. All of a sudden Claire dropped her hand and started rocking in her chair, then she started speaking in what we thought were tongues. Murray instinctively grabbed the scoring pencil and started scribbling. We just eased back into our chairs and savoured the reprieve from Claire's merciless card game. When it all died down and Claire had wiped her mouth, Murray turned to us and asked if we were familiar with Yumpla Tok or Torres Strait Broken, which of course, we weren't. Murray, who's really into linguistics, reckons Yumpla Tok is the post-contact language of Thursday Islanders and other indigene of the Torres Strait. He said he knew for a fact that Claire does not speak Yumpla Tok, nor has she been to Thursday Island, so it had to be 'from the other side'. He told us the visitant warned of a 'gap closing in on her boy' and also 'mind the snap'. We took note of this message and dealt a fresh hand.
The next day we are at the milk bar getting Claire some smokes. The guy behind the counter notices our Royal Tour 1982 T-Shirts and asks us if we've heard the latest on Prince Harry (he called him Ginger Meggs). We say no, so he directs us to The Age where we see Harry, a sad and troubled soul, caught in a crossfire of flashbulbs. The young prince has lashed back at the paparazzi. They are saying that his gap year has been a complete disaster and the headlines read 'Harry Snaps'. It seems that yet again Claire was spot on, and to realise we had been in the same houseboat as Lady Di last night sent us shivers.
We return to The Buoyant and upon seeing our ashen faces, Claire fixes us a shandy. As we pour out our worries for the third in line to the British (and Our) throne, Claire embraces us and whispers "Remember what I've told you, he will be fine, " into our ears. Murray joins us in a group hug.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Screams Inside Beckingham Palace
Transcript: Conversations between Mr and Mrs David Beckham
Recorded: October 9, 2004
*Out Of Your Mind by Victoria Beckahm playing on the sound system*
*Door opening*
*Soccer boots clicking on marble tiles*
Victoria :*Distant screech* Where have you been?
David: ugh
Victoria: Daaaaaaavid?
David: ugh
*Footsteps, (highheels) approaching*
Victoria: I've been on the phone all day trying to clean up the mess that lying cow made.
With no help from you, I might add.
*Sound of soccer ball being kicked into a wall at close range*
*Phone ringing*
Victoria: Daaaaaaavid don't you dare answer it. I'm talking to you.
Answering machine: Beep!
Voice from answer machine: Hi Vicky, Hi DB, it's Sir Elt's. Just wondering how you're coping. F***ing media, those vile, vile pigs. If you're wanting to get away David and I would love to have you guys over, so, you know, if you need some time out. We've just gotten rid of Robbie, and Liz is trying to patch things up in Bombay. So er, the guest wing is free, so, you know, you're welcome anytime. Don't worry we've got a great beautician we can hook you up with. He does great spray tans. Oxygen, not sugar. Great game last week Dave. Love to Buster and Monster, chins up eh! ciao
David: Sir Elton is really nice, isn't he. Are they a couple? I've been hearing rumours he's a homosexual. But he writes all those love songs.
Victoria: Sometimes I can't believe how dumb you are. Mum always said you were really stupid. Aaaaand lower class.
*Sound of television being turned on. Theme song of Neighbours plays*
Victoria: Have you had your head shaven again? I thought we agreed you were going to grow it out.
*Sound of incoming text message*
Victoria: Who's that.
*Sounds of text message being written*
Victoria: Who is it Daaaaavid?
*footsteps, soccer boots across marble tiles*
Victoria: Where do you think you're going?
*Door opening*
Victoria: You're using me, confusing me, two-timing me!
*Door closing*
Daaaaaaaaaavid!
Recorded: October 9, 2004
*Out Of Your Mind by Victoria Beckahm playing on the sound system*
*Door opening*
*Soccer boots clicking on marble tiles*
Victoria :*Distant screech* Where have you been?
David: ugh
Victoria: Daaaaaaavid?
David: ugh
*Footsteps, (highheels) approaching*
Victoria: I've been on the phone all day trying to clean up the mess that lying cow made.
With no help from you, I might add.
*Sound of soccer ball being kicked into a wall at close range*
*Phone ringing*
Victoria: Daaaaaaavid don't you dare answer it. I'm talking to you.
Answering machine: Beep!
Voice from answer machine: Hi Vicky, Hi DB, it's Sir Elt's. Just wondering how you're coping. F***ing media, those vile, vile pigs. If you're wanting to get away David and I would love to have you guys over, so, you know, if you need some time out. We've just gotten rid of Robbie, and Liz is trying to patch things up in Bombay. So er, the guest wing is free, so, you know, you're welcome anytime. Don't worry we've got a great beautician we can hook you up with. He does great spray tans. Oxygen, not sugar. Great game last week Dave. Love to Buster and Monster, chins up eh! ciao
David: Sir Elton is really nice, isn't he. Are they a couple? I've been hearing rumours he's a homosexual. But he writes all those love songs.
Victoria: Sometimes I can't believe how dumb you are. Mum always said you were really stupid. Aaaaand lower class.
*Sound of television being turned on. Theme song of Neighbours plays*
Victoria: Have you had your head shaven again? I thought we agreed you were going to grow it out.
*Sound of incoming text message*
Victoria: Who's that.
*Sounds of text message being written*
Victoria: Who is it Daaaaavid?
*footsteps, soccer boots across marble tiles*
Victoria: Where do you think you're going?
*Door opening*
Victoria: You're using me, confusing me, two-timing me!
*Door closing*
Daaaaaaaaaavid!
The Surrealists Prayer
Our Founding Fathers
Whose arts in Heaven
Hallowed be thy names
Thy automatic writings come
Thine will be done
In Australia as it was in Parisian cafes
Give us this day our daily surrealist activity
And forgive us our bourgeoise tendencies
As we forgive those who bore us at dinner parties
And lead us not into minimax
And deliver us from earnestness
For thine is the truth
The Marcel and the Andre
Forever and ever
Amanray
Whose arts in Heaven
Hallowed be thy names
Thy automatic writings come
Thine will be done
In Australia as it was in Parisian cafes
Give us this day our daily surrealist activity
And forgive us our bourgeoise tendencies
As we forgive those who bore us at dinner parties
And lead us not into minimax
And deliver us from earnestness
For thine is the truth
The Marcel and the Andre
Forever and ever
Amanray
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
SpaceShipOne Pt 2
............................after a particularly unpleasant bout of spacesickness, Sir Rich suggests we lie down. He unfolds the double bed and straps us in. To help us relax he presses play on the craft's sound system. We are instantly soothed by Sting's voice reading passages from Losing My Virginity: the Sir Richard Branson Autobiography. He strokes our hair and tells us we would make beautiful flight attendants. When we are feeling better the pilot announces that we are about to go weightless. Sir Rich is very excited and plays us A Space Oddity by his friend David Bowie. No gravity enables us to dance like never before. Squealing with delight we invite Sir Rich to join us in a Space Shuffle, but he doesn't answer. He seems unusually distant as he floats by the biggest porthole, staring down at Earth. In a voice we have never heard before he tells us that there were many many times in his life where he felt like he was Major Tom, but ironically, not now. Moved beyond belief, we bob up and down in silent reverence as the blue of Planet Earth reflects in the silver of Sir Richard Branson's hair.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Achtung!
In the wake of yesterday's ferocious crocodile attack in The Top End we are taking it upon ourselves to warn visitors to our Wide Brown Land that Australia is becoming more and more dangerous. Thousands of deadly Saltwater Croc's are veering off the Crocodile Highways¹ and making their way into people's tents. We feel it is only a matter of time before Germany looses another tourist. To assist travellers to Australia we have compiled a list of handy hints:
1. Never ever smile at a Crocodile, it will not lead to any form of bonding. They are cold blooded and do not make good friends.
2. They are fully protected so pre-emptive attacks are a no no.
3. Swim in designated safe areas only - so if you see one of these signs
don't enter the water.
4. Do not accept sweets (or any other inducements) from Crocodiles. Do not get into a car with one.
5. If at a water's edge or mangrove keep throaty growls to a minimum. You could attract a male Crocodile in search of a mate. Crocodiles mate for several months, and seem to like it. This could hamper your holiday itinerary.
Please observe our advices so that you arrive home in one piece. Have a lovely holiday.
With love and respect,
punk and blanket.
1. Never ever smile at a Crocodile, it will not lead to any form of bonding. They are cold blooded and do not make good friends.
2. They are fully protected so pre-emptive attacks are a no no.
3. Swim in designated safe areas only - so if you see one of these signs
don't enter the water.
4. Do not accept sweets (or any other inducements) from Crocodiles. Do not get into a car with one.
5. If at a water's edge or mangrove keep throaty growls to a minimum. You could attract a male Crocodile in search of a mate. Crocodiles mate for several months, and seem to like it. This could hamper your holiday itinerary.
Please observe our advices so that you arrive home in one piece. Have a lovely holiday.
With love and respect,
punk and blanket.
¹"They often travel from one watercourse to the next and use the ocean simply as a crocodile highway..." Gary Zillfleisch, retired croc handler.
Friday, October 08, 2004
SpaceShipOne
We've always wanted to go to Space and now Sir Richard Branson is making it possible. Of course we are hoping that he will invite us along on one of his trips. Like Sir Richard we are very interested in the Grand Scheme of Things. Our studies in existentialism also attract us to the voyage. It really is the only way we (and Sir Richard) can experience the reality of being a speck in the universal ocean. We also think Sir Richard is handsome. Claire reckons the best way to achieve your dreams is through creative visualisation, using sequence rather than narrative......................................................................
..................as a Baby Boomer, Sir Richard is a rebel billionaire who can handle his drugs. Cruising the Grand Nothingness we share the Virgin Galactic Hookah connected to SpaceShipOne's fuel tanks of nitrous oxide. Sir Rich is so witty we're wetting ourselves, which assists in the prevention of Puffy-Head Bird-Legs Syndrome. Sir Rich is so terrified of Puffy-Head Bird-Legs Syndrome, where microgravity causes body fluids to congregate in wrong places, he has designed us special suits that are very tight, very slimming second skins, sort of 'Nancy Ganz 4 Space'. Witnessing the extent of orbital debris out there raises our environmental concerns and we gingerly put them to Sir Richard. He tells us in no uncertain terms that space junk can be likened to free radicals like himself and that in the name of progress they are part of the equation.
..................as a Baby Boomer, Sir Richard is a rebel billionaire who can handle his drugs. Cruising the Grand Nothingness we share the Virgin Galactic Hookah connected to SpaceShipOne's fuel tanks of nitrous oxide. Sir Rich is so witty we're wetting ourselves, which assists in the prevention of Puffy-Head Bird-Legs Syndrome. Sir Rich is so terrified of Puffy-Head Bird-Legs Syndrome, where microgravity causes body fluids to congregate in wrong places, he has designed us special suits that are very tight, very slimming second skins, sort of 'Nancy Ganz 4 Space'. Witnessing the extent of orbital debris out there raises our environmental concerns and we gingerly put them to Sir Richard. He tells us in no uncertain terms that space junk can be likened to free radicals like himself and that in the name of progress they are part of the equation.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Mental Cad
The latest wire from MI5 concerning James Hewitt is astounding. Apparently Hewitt sent this sms to Prince Harry repeatedly on the day British Art Experts estimated Harry's dot paintings to be worth hundreds of thousands of pounds.
I was once like U R now + I know that its not easy.........2 B calm.......when U found somethings been going on.....but take U'R time.......think a lot.....Y.....think of everything we could have.........4 U will still B here 2moro..........but our dreamings may not..........
I was once like U R now + I know that its not easy.........2 B calm.......when U found somethings been going on.....but take U'R time.......think a lot.....Y.....think of everything we could have.........4 U will still B here 2moro..........but our dreamings may not..........
Get this!
When Rhett Hutchences' second daughter was born Paula Yates suggested they call her Saucy Cupcake!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Total XS
Another heart felt congratulations goes out to Rhett Hutchence for his first book titled Total XS. We're only up to page 65 but we are gripped by the story of an unconventional upbringing of two brothers. There's an excellent tale where Rhett and his pet albino rat share a moment with Michael Jackson. Rhett had the rat up his sleeve whilst flying first class alongside Mike and his entourage. Here are the details of their encounter in the cockpit:
'Hello, my name is Rhett, and I just want to say hi and introduce you to my rat'.
Michael was going through a stage when he dressed like Mickey Mouse in Steamboat Willie, he sounded like him too.
'Oh he's so beautiful, he's so cute,' he squeaked.
'He's a big fan of yours,' I said.
'Oh I love animals I love rats. What's his name, Ben?'
'No. His name's Plague.'
'That's so cute, I love animals, I love rats.'
'Well we'd better be going. I hope you enjoy your stay and have a good tour.'
'Oh thank you. Bye Plague. I love animals, I love rats, he's so cute.'
'Hello, my name is Rhett, and I just want to say hi and introduce you to my rat'.
Michael was going through a stage when he dressed like Mickey Mouse in Steamboat Willie, he sounded like him too.
'Oh he's so beautiful, he's so cute,' he squeaked.
'He's a big fan of yours,' I said.
'Oh I love animals I love rats. What's his name, Ben?'
'No. His name's Plague.'
'That's so cute, I love animals, I love rats.'
'Well we'd better be going. I hope you enjoy your stay and have a good tour.'
'Oh thank you. Bye Plague. I love animals, I love rats, he's so cute.'
Some Potty-Mouthed Truths From Sir Elton
We would like to congratulate Sir Elton for lashing out at Madonna. Sir Elton spoke for all of us when he highlighted the injustice of charging 75 quid to watch her mime. Using strong language to cite his case Sir Elton risked his seat on the next Kabbalian camel train, but his committment to pure musical experiences overrode his affection for Mrs Ritchie. Our wonderful Claire is supporting Sir Elton (even though she hates swear words) and even sent us a text whilst the story was on the news, saying 'he's right u know'.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Frenzied and Deranged SMS
We have just obtained the first instalment from MI5 regarding the Batman Hewitt matter.
On July 4 2004 James Hewitt sent this sms to Prince Harry 23 times:
Son I say......have I got a little story 4 U.....what U thought was your Daddy was nothin but...........while you were sitting home alone the age of 13 your real Daddy was crying.............oh Harry I'm still alive...........oh Haz we will survive.........
On July 4 2004 James Hewitt sent this sms to Prince Harry 23 times:
Son I say......have I got a little story 4 U.....what U thought was your Daddy was nothin but...........while you were sitting home alone the age of 13 your real Daddy was crying.............oh Harry I'm still alive...........oh Haz we will survive.........
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