Ian Is Great

No Other
Swims
Like Our
Great Panther
Of The
Deep

Urgent Plea

STOP! ENOUGH!
POSH
STOP! NOW!
KYLIE
STOP! ENOUGH!
GUY RITCHIE
STOP! NOW!
GWYNETH
STOP! ENOUGH!
sam newman
STOP! NOW!
DON BURKE
STOP! ENOUGH!
KARL LAGERFELD
STOP! NOW!
DANNI
STOP! ENOUGH!
JUSTIN
PLEASE!

Secret Prison Tapes

We are in a highly excited state. We have in our hands a tape secreted from Port Philip Prison. The tape contains conversations between the Armed Robber and Matthew Wales that form the basis of the as yet unpublished book "Matthew: Dark Prince Of Wales" (working title). The first part of the tape is a bit boring, it's just Matt going on about his bad childhood. It starts to get interesting when Matt links hairdressing with the murders. We had to re-wind that bit. Unbelievably he is telling the Armed Robber that there are pressure points on the back of the head that can trigger death. He learnt this in 'Shampoo, Conditioning and Head Massage' during his hairdressing apprenticeship. The interview comes to an abrupt ending with the sounds of Paul Denyer's hairdryer being run up and down the bars. He is demanding Matthew give him a blow wave.

Prayer for Michael

michael,
say you didn't
touch the children.
oh mike,
say you didn't
touch them there
in Never Neverland
with your
never never hands
cos you know
its really,
really
bad.

Amen.

Panic

O M G I can't believe I am home this early on a Friday night. I had to come home. I think this Gretel/Saxon thing is really beginning to effect me psychologically. I had a panic attack in a spa tub at Crown Casino. Well, not quite in the tub, it was just before I was supposed to get in it. A footballer (no name) and I were knocking some back in our towelling robes whilst the spa was filling up. I was feeling pretty good, quite chilled. As he led me to the bubbling water I experienced a panic attack so severe that I could not go through with it. I ran back into the other room, that terrifying vision of Saxon's mum pedalling on the generator burning before my face. My heart was racing and I thought I was going to die. The footballer (no name) turned on the TV as I downed 2 Xanax. I went home after that. Vibe ruined.

I just woke from this nightmare

I am having brunch with Gretel and Saxon. Saxon's Eggs Benedict are delicious, a recipe he has learned from Nigella. Gretel looks languid. She is wearing a petticoat and high heels. After brunch I leave the couple alone doing the dishes. Suddenly, the sounds of a vicious argument come from the kitchen. I can hear raised voices and smashing plates. Saxon is vehemently denying ever having stained the Peugeot's seats with baby oil and talcum powder. I hear him stamping his feet. Just as I am about to call her, Saxon's mum crashes through the door, screaming at Saxon to go to his room. Crying, he runs to his room and slams the door, shouting that he hates us all.

Ray Of Light

I have just come off the Kabbalah site. I do not feel very well. They say if I want the wisdom I should read The Zohar, a 23 volume book - woooooooooooooo! I learnt that the Zohar radiates a light that eradicates all darkness, which includes 'all' forms of negativity, from this world. It can even cheat death. This light is for everyone. And when you find it it's like turning on the LIGHT SWITCH TO YOUR LIFE. There are no Deities only YOU YOU YOU. I realised I could decode Mad-Esther's tune Ray Of Light. I understood why Mad-Esther and Guy Ritchie wear white. I wondered if they had shaved their little boy's head so that he'd have better access to 'The Light'. I wanted to know more but they said I had to pay. Jerry Hall did say they love money.

Like a Prayer

I've been on the Kabbalah site now for 54hours and 23minutes and all I 'know' is that I want to snort a lot of cocaine.

The getting of wisdon

Sometimes, when I'm not being plagued by unsettling images of Oedipal couplings, I sit and wonder: What is the Kabbalah? I know it's 'an ancient form of Jewish mysticism', but what does that mean?

I have a friend, let's call him 'Brad'. Brad is in a relationship with a boy, let's call him 'David'. David is a student of the Kabbalah and therefore dons a red string. He gave a red string to Brad and now Brad wears one too. One night, we all went out for dinner. Brad mentioned he wasn't feeling welll and expressed fears of coming down with something. David looked at him with earnest reassurance and said "You won't get sick, you're protected."
Brad looked at him quizzically. "What do you mean?" he asked.
David leant his elbow and the table, pointed to his red string and nodded with his eyebrows raised.

Having suffered a very boring illness recently, this conversation struck a chord with me. Inspired by these promises of eternal health, I intend to visit the Kabbalah website. I figure if it's good enough for Madonna-oops, sorry, Esther - surely it's good enough for me. Stay tuned.

More terrifying visions...

I'm lost in the Gold Coast hinterland. It is dark and I am running. My mobile phone has no signal. I am in a frenzy. In the distance I can hear running water and a strange whirring sound, not unlike that of cog-wheels in constant motion. I surge forward through the bracken into a clearing. Through the chlorinated mist I can just make out two naked bodies lowering themselves into a bubbling spa. I'm not sure, but I think I can see the silhouette of a pacifier protruding from the male figures mouth. I inch closer, squinting in an effort to get a better view. When I am approximately 5 metres away, I recognise them: it is Gretel and Saxon. I am badly shaken and reach for my Xanax, but another vision, more frightening than the last, causes me to drop my tablets onto the mossy ground. To the couple's left Saxon's mum is astride a pedal-powered outdoor generator. She pedals furiously, periodically dipping her elbow into the spa, monitoring the water temperature.

Big Brother Botches Bree's Boot-off

According to BB central, Bree was wrongly evicted and has since been reinstated as an official housemate (HM). It is with some suspicion that punk and blanket observe these happenings.

Is it really possible that a reputable and sound company like Legion Interactive has made such a mistake? We know ratings have been low this year, Big Brother, and we fear that the show may be suffering from the publicity surrounding Gretel Killeen's relationship with former contestant Daniel "Saxon" Small. These rumours are particularly alarming given the couple's musical aspirations. The whole Gretel/Saxon phenomenon has disturbed us greatly. Over the years we have watched Gretel shine, mesmerised by her razor-sharp wit and bedazzled by her sometimes curious costumes. Phrases like "I hope I look that good when I'm her age" have been known to spew from our mouths. Our image is imploding. We are woken during the night with frightening visions such as this:


'Gretel and Saxon are lying in Gretel's bed, the breeze gently blowing through her open window. Just as she is about to join Saxon for another 'coupling' Saxon's Mummy pops her henna'd head through the window. She wants to know if her little boy would like some bircher muesli and some fresh nappies.'

Mission Beach

This blog is dedicated to the Founding Fathers of Surrealism.

It is our mission to comment on events in popular culture.

We are against the notion of 'celebrity' - we believe it to be an unsavoury phenomenon that is threatening to destroy the civilised and 'uncivilised' worlds. Celebrity has infected all walks of life and is playing havoc with the minds of the young and the restless. We will be tracking the media and highlighting the transgressions of those who have lost themselves in a wash of self aggrandisement though the misuse of infamy. We will celebrate those who handle notoriety with grace.

We are already known on a particular forum as muckrakers however we feel that the commercial interests of the unsaid forum impeded our work as we were banned several times because our work was incomprehensible to them.

Manifesto

Our manifesto has already been written.
Here it is